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Band 5.5

Some people believe that to become successful at a sport requires a natural ability, others think that hardwork and practice are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #sport #ability #hardwork #practice
There are those who have a view that a significant talent of physical
ability
 is essential for great
success
 in
sports
,
while
 others believe that considerable
practice
 and training are the keys to higher achievement.
While
 a natural
ability
 helps
sports
 players reach their goals, I strongly believe that practical training and extensive
practice
 are more important to result in
success
 with any sport.
Firstly
, one of the major important elements of winning a variety of
sports
 is teamwork. It is not only for team
sports
, including football and basketball, but
also
 individual
sports
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 swimming and golf, as even athletes play individual
sports
, they need to engage with trainers, sponsors, and doctors, as a team, which aims for the same goal.
For example
, the Japanese football team beat some worldwide stronger teams like Germany,
due to
 the immense level of combination play realised by significant effort and practical tactics brought by trainers.
Moreover
,
while
 a natural
ability
,
for instance
, body flexibility and physical strength, contributes athletes to achieving their goals, enabling harder practices which are not feasible for general players, the insufficiency of hard training and effort leads to losing games. In
practice
, many famous talented
sports
 players lost the next game just after their great
success
,
due to
 losing motivation to win, which
privents
Correct your spelling
prevents
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
.
Consequently
,
this
 lower motivation for
success
 brought them to their retirement. In summary, I wholeheartedly agree with the argument that
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
,
practice
 and
teamworking
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 are more important for obtaining
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
show examples
 in
sports
.
This
 effort and higher motivation to develop
player's
Correct article usage
a player's
show examples
sports
ability
 bring them a significant result, compared to merely relying on a natural talent.
Submitted by taekojb77 on

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task achievement
Make sure to directly respond to the question prompt in both your introduction and conclusion for a clearer stance. While your position is evident, explicitly asserting it at the beginning and end of the essay reinforces clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and coherence. However, ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs can enhance readability. Consider using a wider range of linking phrases to connect ideas more fluidly.
task achievement
Incorporate a broader variety of specific and relevant examples to substantiate your arguments. While the examples provided are good, adding more could strengthen your case and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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