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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that to become successful at a sport requires a natural ability, others think that hardwork and practice are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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There are those who have a view that a significant talent of physical
ability
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 is essential for great
success
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 in
sports
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,
while
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 others believe that considerable
practice
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 and training are the keys to higher achievement.
While
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 a natural
ability
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 helps
sports
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 players reach their goals, I strongly believe that practical training and extensive
practice
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 are more important to result in
success
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 with any sport.
Firstly
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, one of the major important elements of winning a variety of
sports
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 is teamwork. It is not only for team
sports
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, including football and basketball, but
also
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 individual
sports
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such
Linking Words
 as
,
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apply
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 swimming and golf, as even athletes play individual
sports
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, they need to engage with trainers, sponsors, and doctors, as a team, which aims for the same goal.
For example
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, the Japanese football team beat some worldwide stronger teams like Germany,
due to
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 the immense level of combination play realised by significant effort and practical tactics brought by trainers.
Moreover
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,
while
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 a natural
ability
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,
for instance
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, body flexibility and physical strength, contributes athletes to achieving their goals, enabling harder practices which are not feasible for general players, the insufficiency of hard training and effort leads to losing games. In
practice
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, many famous talented
sports
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 players lost the next game just after their great
success
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,
due to
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 losing motivation to win, which
privents
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prevents
hardwork
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hard work
.
Consequently
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,
this
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 lower motivation for
success
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 brought them to their retirement. In summary, I wholeheartedly agree with the argument that
hardwork
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hard work
,
practice
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 and
teamworking
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teamwork
show examples
 are more important for obtaining
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
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 in
sports
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.
This
Linking Words
 effort and higher motivation to develop
player's
Correct article usage
a player's
show examples
sports
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ability
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 bring them a significant result, compared to merely relying on a natural talent.

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task achievement
Make sure to directly respond to the question prompt in both your introduction and conclusion for a clearer stance. While your position is evident, explicitly asserting it at the beginning and end of the essay reinforces clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and coherence. However, ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs can enhance readability. Consider using a wider range of linking phrases to connect ideas more fluidly.
task achievement
Incorporate a broader variety of specific and relevant examples to substantiate your arguments. While the examples provided are good, adding more could strengthen your case and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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