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Band 5.5

Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, whileothers require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?

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​There are controversial perspectives heating a debate over the benefits of each
system
 of education.
While
 some claim that
Students
 in their fifteenth year should focus on several core fields of study, the opposite makes a statement that
Students
 need to absorb an abundance of knowledge before they can graduate..
While
 each has its own redeeming features, I would contend that it is optimal for
students
 to study
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
certain subjects. Without a shadow of a doubt, If learners just have to absorb a portion of the essential knowledge, there are several advantages. More precisely, pupils will be able to relax
instead
 of
worryING
Correct your spelling
worrying
show examples
 about deadlines if the educational
system
 maintains
this
 norm, and they will
also
 get a greater understanding of numerous significant subjects.
For instance
, a lot of foreign schools require English as a subject, but they
also
 tell
students
 that they don't have to check up
other
Change preposition
on other
show examples
 topics. By doing
this
, kids who are 15 years old already possess substantial English abilities, permitting them to hold conversations in a foreign language. I believe that mastering a few certain disciplines is
therefore
 more important. Whilst the advantages of the former are widely acknowledged,
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 of an opposite educational
system
 type still exist.
This
 method
in particular
 helps pupils get a variety of knowledge, but if they are unable to retain it all, it will become a difficult burden.
For instance
, the most well-known
system
 in Vietnam mandates that
students
 take seven or eight disciplines each semester.
This
 explains why some
students
, despite their greatest efforts, achieve unexpected results.
Therefore
, even if
this
 method has some redeeming qualities, I still think the original
system
 is better. In conclusion,
while
 there are many benefits to both educational systems, I will settle for supporting the one which allows
students
 to understand some fundamental subjects.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the prompt in your essay. Your introduction briefly mentions both sides but focus more on developing your argument for each with more clear and specific examples.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and improving coherence through better transition phrases and clear connections between ideas. This will make your argument flow more naturally.
task achievement
Avoid general statements without supporting them with specific examples or evidence. Providing concrete examples will bolster your argument and help you achieve a higher score.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'worryING' should be 'worrying'). While they may seem small, they can distract the reader and impact the overall professionalism of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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