we care too much about famous people making money, we might forget about the important job leaders have in keeping our countries running smoothly. Too much focus on famous people might make us think that being famous is more important than being a good leader.
In conclusion, whether it’s a good or bad thing depends on how you look at it. It’s important to think about what we value more – entertainment or good leadership. Maybe we need to find a balance so that both can be important in our lives.
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Task Achievement
Your essay is incomplete, covering only a part of the required response. Make sure to introduce the topic and fully address all parts of the task, providing a balanced discussion on the reasons behind celebrities earning more than politicians, and your view on whether it's positive or negative.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay is unclear. An essay should have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part plays a critical role in presenting your argument coherently. Start with an introduction that presents the topic and your thesis statement, follow with body paragraphs that each tackle a specific point with examples, and conclude with a summary of your discussion or opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your essay's logical structure, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supportive sentences. Use linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Avoid abrupt shifts in topic and make sure your argument builds logically from the introduction to the conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
Agriculture is a necessary part of the basic daily needs of people on earth. However, despite the gain of agricultural goods, hunger remains a major problem, especially in low-middle-income countries. This essay shall look into the causes of this phenomenon, and suggest some measures to alleviate this issue.
While some believe that children raised in a middle-to-low income family have better abilities to cope with issues in their adult life, some think that this notion is only true for children that were raised by wealthy parents. In my opinion, I agree more with the former, due to reasons that will be discussed throughout this essay.
Some people hold the view that talent is the most necessary factor in gaining success, while others claim that hard work is the main key. In my view, if someone wants to be successful, they must have all factors such as hard work, talent, luck, belief and the like.
In this contemporary epoch, with the development of technical devices tourism has become a big industry. Some places such as the Antarctic or the Sahara Desert that have extreme weather conditions are explored by the public. This essay will delve into the advantages and disadvantages of visiting such locations and will lead to a logical conclusion as well.