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Band 6.5

Nowadays, tourists and scientists are allowed to travel to remote natural environments. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answers and include example from your own experience?

#tourists #scientists #travel #environments #development #answers
Recently, many tourists and
scientists
 have
Add a missing verb
had this
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this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 opportunity to travel to remote natural places.
However
, their adventure may have serious impacts on these sights, but they will be fruitful for the tourism industry and
also
 reveal new mysteries to the world. Visiting a distant environment is considered a luxurious trip,
while
 it costs a fortune.
Furthermore
, lots of adventurers who are keen on experiencing new things around the world will easily pay a huge amount of money for their holiday at the South Pole or Norway.
For instance
, every year many tourists from different parts of the world book a trip to just see the Aurora phenomenon. These trips are ways to enhance countries’ financial status. Because their journey requires high-tech facilities to make them comfortable and safe.
As a result
, we cannot deny the harmful and negative effects of tourists in these kinds of remote places, but it seems
this
 trend has positive impacts on nations.
Additionally
, remote environments are full of mysteries and secrets that need to be discovered by
scientists
.
Therefore
, governments should allow them to visit these sites to find new treatments or gain more advanced knowledge about our planet.
For example
, travelling into the deep sees makes it possible to find new species and study marine life, which can be useful in both the food and medicine industries. In
this
 way, experts have
this
 chance to collect new data and use them in many aspects.
Finally
, there is no room for
scientists
 to influence our environment negatively, but
in contrast
, their discoveries will be useful to keep humans and Mother Earth safe. In conclusion, even if visiting remote places is a kind of damage, its positive outcomes are more than we can imagine. So, governments should persuade more visitors to travel there and lead more
scientists
 to discover and find new information to keep men and our planet healthy.
Submitted by afrough on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the essay topic and your stance on it. Your conclusion should effectively summarize your main points and restate your opinion, reinforcing the argument.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more detailed explanations and specific examples. While you provided examples, further elaboration would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more effectively by starting with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence if necessary. This helps in making your argument more coherent and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to smoothly transition between ideas, sentences, and paragraphs. While you have made some attempts, greater variety and precision in their use can enhance the fluency of your essay.
task achievement
To improve your score, focus on explicitly stating how each point supports your stance on the advantages outweighing the disadvantages. This helps in making a complete and convincing argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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