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Band 4

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
Although
 many people believe that staying in
Correct pronoun usage
their comfort
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comfort
Correct pronoun usage
their comfort
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 zone is by far the main priority in life, others claim that escaping from it and risking
are
Change the verb form
is
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 essential. Not only the latter
provides
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provide
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 huge benefits for a career,
it
Correct word choice
but it
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 can
make
Rephrase
also make
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 a personality more satisfied with their private life.
Risk taking
Add a hyphen
Risk-taking
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 if taken seriously enough is definitely worth it and provides a person with wide prospects
such
 as success in future and useful experience to embrace the challenges of well-being. First of all, a new path taken by a person sensibly can lead to
further
 higher incomes. If a human being gets off
a
Correct article usage
the
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 beaten track and starts something new, he usually takes it with a certain amount of passion and dedication that makes his way much more enjoyable and beneficial.
For instance
, one of the most iconic entrepreneurs, Steve Jobs, had a choice when he was younger. He was to launch his own business or to continue learning at a University,
however
, Jobs decided to start a business which later became one of the most profitable companies in the whole world.
On the other hand
, if Steve had not made a success
from
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in
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 the Apple Company, he would have gained enough experience to become a better version of himself in future. So, even a loser can turn
this
 failure into
a strengths
Correct the article-noun agreement
strengths
a strength
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 and achieve his goals.
For example
, when seeking
for
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apply
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a
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the
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 right person to
merry
Correct your spelling
marry
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, Jobs made several attempts to date women, and he even had a child from one of
the
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his
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 former girlfriends. Though it did not make him engaged,
this
 situation taught him a great lesson and helped
to
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him to
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 find a wife in future. In conclusion, I would like to highlight that taking risks is significantly more beneficial
that
Correct word choice
than
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 staying in comfort
for
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in
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 all areas of life from private to working.
Submitted by pshenichnikov03 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on risk-taking, offering both sides of the argument before coming to a conclusion. However, more explicit examples and details could strengthen your argument and increase the relevance of your examples to the points being made.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to aid in the flow of ideas. Moreover, you might want to expand on some ideas with more details to support your main points further.
advice
To enhance your essay's coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs. This would not only clarify the main idea of each paragraph but also improve the overall flow of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
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