IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people's mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals claim that authorities have to be able to reach
people
's mobile communication history,
while
 others believe
this
 could be the precise meaning of omitting their privacy. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views before turning to my personal standpoint. Some folks think governments should have
access
 to
people
's phone call records and messages without any condition. Indeed, they argue that it can bring
safety
 to residents. Needless to say, some offenders and terrorists were identified and arrested in
this
 way.
Moreover
, in these decades of communication, uncontrolled
access
 of
people
 to each other may spring up with fraud and scams among them,
consequently
, all calls and messages should be monitored.
However
, I totally disagree with
this
 claim. On the flip side, others, including me, believe
this
access
 to authorities is an obvious instance of neglecting privacy. In fact, if
this
 happens, it will have a
cripple
Correct your spelling
ripple
show examples
 impact on trust among folks.
Moreover
, nowadays, gangs and terrorists are usually exploiting systems which are helping them to remain obscure during calls,
hence
, controlling
people
's mobile calls is not a practical way to increase
safety
 anymore.
In addition
, all governments should take steps to improve trust in
society
, which is not considerable by controlling them. I believe that controlling
people
’s mobile phone call records and messages brings nothing but chaos to
society
.
Furthermore
, threatening individuals’ privacy is not graceful for a government even if it costs the
safety
 of
society
. In conclusion, having
access
 to
people
's call logs not only does not have any effect on improving
safety
 but
also
 may threaten
society
 by targeting the trust among them, so, I hope no governments consider
this
 way to get
people
 in harness.
Submitted by ali on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your ideas more logically, ensuring a smoother flow between paragraphs. Try using more linking words to introduce arguments and to transition between points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, ensure that you summarize the main points concisely, maintaining a balance between presenting the argument and offering your opinion.
task achievement
Dive deeper into discussing the topic by providing more concrete examples and evidence to support your points. Enhance the argument with data, anecdotes, or hypothetical scenarios that demonstrate your points more vividly.
task achievement
Clarify your main ideas by defining terms and phrases more precisely and by providing more detail. Avoid assumptions or general statements without providing backup or clarification.
task achievement
Try to keep your argument focused and specific. Avoid broad statements that may dilute the strength of your position. Each paragraph should have a clear point that contributes directly to your overall argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • paramount
  • confidential
  • consent
  • proponent
  • surveillance
  • preempt
  • crucial
  • overreach
  • civil liberties
  • undermine
  • misuse
  • regulated access
  • oversight
  • judicial warrants
  • high-threat situations
What to do next:
Look at other essays: