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Band 5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly pepole.

#countries #people #population #governments #society #pepole
life expectancy in some countries has
become
Verb problem
been
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 raised through
this
 century.
Although
 the
increse
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increase
 of senior
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 has its own benefits, a number of individuals
content
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contend
show examples
 that
this
 phenomenon brings about some
deterimental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
complication
Fix the agreement mistake
complications
show examples
. I think both pros and cons should be
dicussed
Correct your spelling
discussed
. By looking at the bright sides of
this
widspread
Correct your spelling
widespread
 event, we can vividly see that people work
effectively
Correct quantifier usage
more effectively
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 than before,
due to
 the fact that there is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
hope for planning for
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of their lives after retirement.
Moreover
, families can take advantage of
presence
Add an article
the presence
show examples
 of their grandparents like leaving children to be brought up by grandparents.
Last
 but not least, the aging population reside in industrialised zones which is
concidered
Correct your spelling
considered
as
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apply
show examples
a criteria
Correct the article-noun agreement
a criterion
criteria
show examples
 for levelling
of
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apply
show examples
the well-being of
contries
Correct your spelling
countries
, the more an area has
agiing
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an ageing
 population, the more it is seen as a developed nation. With regard to the disadvantages, it is undeniable that
the
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apply
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elderly individuals dedicate almost all their hey days
for
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to
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 their motherland but the cost of keeping them in nursery homes and the
penshions
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pensions
 are being paid them
momthly
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monthly
 is
heavy
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a heavy
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 burden on the
gornments
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governments
government
,
while
 they are
not
Correct article usage
a not
show examples
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
.
Furthermore
, the existence of people who are too unfit
to
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for
show examples
 their daily
routin
Correct your spelling
routine
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
impose
Change the verb form
imposes
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this
resposibility
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responsibility
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
offsprings
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offspring
show examples
 which
is
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are
show examples
 seemed partly impossible with
such
 kind of nowadays hectic lifestyle.
Finally
, the budget,
allocating
Wrong verb form
allocated
show examples
 to them could have been invested in other parts of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society like funding
studend
Correct your spelling
students
student
 who are struggling to ends meet at
colleges
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college
show examples
.
To conclude
, that elders could
comple
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complete
comply
 heavy burden on others is
obnious
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obvious
, but we should take it into account that if their sacrifices were not, we would not live with
tranquility
Change the spelling
tranquillity
show examples
 as we are now;
thus
, looking up to them can be the least action that we can do in order to
appriciate
Correct your spelling
appreciate
.
Submitted by amirhossein7179 on

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Task Achievement
For task response, it's important to fully address all parts of the task. Make sure your essay provides a balanced discussion of both views and your own opinion throughout, not just at the conclusion. To improve, try to directly relate each paragraph to the essay question, ensuring that your personal stance is clearer from the introduction through to the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on the logical flow of your essay. This includes better paragraphing with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas more smoothly and avoid repetition. Additionally, work on the clarity and structural organization of your thoughts for a more coherent flow of ideas.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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