IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Governments should ban the violent films and television in order to decrease crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #ban #films #television #decrease #crimes #society
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The issue of whether the nation should exercise its rights to stop any streaming medium, which contains
violence
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 is certainly a contentious
one
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. Despite the arguments of some people that it is their freedom to watch whatever they want, it is my personal belief that the content of
films
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 should be supervised by the government.
This
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 essay will provide reasons for my agreement.
Firstly
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, some people say that it is illegal to ban
movies
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 even if they contain force.
One
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 of the principal reasons is that there is no direct evidence that violent
films
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 cause crime increased, it is needless to say the higher proportion of offences is an economic factor,
besides
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, several research show that the main way that they get used to bullying is through their surroundings, especially from their family.
Therefore
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, the government should emphasize recession rather than entertainment
Secondly
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, I definitely approve that the local council should restrict those
movies
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, which talk about cruelty.
One
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 of the principal reasons is that most violent
films
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 are simulated, which can easily catch the audience’s eyes,
hence
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 it becomes more and more popular because film studios can easily earn a lot of money from
movies
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.
However
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, most kids are not mature enough to thoroughly distinguish what is
violence
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, and what is more serious they have started to imitate the scenes that they learned from
movies
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, but most of those adolescents have no idea that the things that they do are incorrect, even have constitute a crime.
For instance
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, there was a famous funny drama, which talked about school bullying, yet
this
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 show didn’t clearly claim that
violence
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 is false, so students started to mimic the same thing to their fellow. For a
while
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, kids liked to pull their chairs to cause them to fall down. Sadly, it is reported that
one
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 student couldn’t stand up anymore because of
this
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 trick. In conclusion, because young adults are easily affected by violent
films
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, if they get used to treating others in
violence
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, the figures for crimes will gradually increase, which is not good for our society.
Submitted by Joanna on

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Introduction Improvement
Introduction: You've provided a clear viewpoint in your introduction which effectively sets the scope of your essay. Consider adding a brief outline of the key arguments you plan to discuss, which could enhance reader understanding and anticipation.
Task Response Improvement
Task Response: Ensure your arguments directly answer the question. Clarify how banning violent films can decrease crime, focusing on clear, direct links between cause and effect. Expanding on your examples with more detail would provide stronger support for your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion Improvement
Coherence and Cohesion: You've structured your essay well, with each paragraph focusing on a particular point. Improve the flow between paragraphs by using a wider range of linking phrases. Also, ensure paragraphs are balanced in terms of content and length to maintain reader engagement.
Conclusion Improvement
Conclusion: Your conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments. Strengthen it by briefly stating the potential positive impacts on society if your proposed actions are implemented. Avoid introducing new information.
Use of Examples Improvement
Examples: Your examples are relevant but need more detail to be compelling. Provide statistics, findings from research, or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate your points more vividly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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