IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play\ with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

#topic #parents #children #toys #play\
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Some
parents
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 prefer to buy
lots
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 of
toys
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 for their
children
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.
This
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 trend can be both fruitful
,
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apply
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 and harmful for them.
While
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,
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apply
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 they are trying to present
lots
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 of options to their
children
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, they will face addicted persons who have infinitive requests in the future. It is undeniable that owning
lots
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 of
toys
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 means
lots
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 of scenarios and activities.
This
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 is one of the best ways to entertain
children
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,
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apply
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 and prevent them
to get
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from getting
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 bored.
This
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 method will persuade
children
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 to enjoy their free time without annoying their
parents
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. So, their
parents
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 can do their chores, and focus on their own routine.
For instance
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, my niece has different
toys
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 like Lego to play with. It is not challenging for her to have
me
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my
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 time,
while
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 my sister is cooking, or cleaning up.
As a result
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,
parents
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by
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in
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this
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 way not only can help their
children
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 to become happy, but
also
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 they will have more empty time for themselves.
In contrast
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, having a huge amount of
toys
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 in childhood will damage
children
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’s character. When
parents
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 purchase new
toys
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 for
children
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, they will get used to
have
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having
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 more and more of everything.
This
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 unstoppable desire will make a disaster in the future. For more explanation, my cousin’s teenage son who had luxurious
toys
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 in his childhood, now is addicted to buying new clothes and shoes. It is obvious that by giving unlimited options, he believes that even now he can achieve anything he wants. In conclusion, buying different
toys
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 for
children
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 can be helpful to entertain them without any difficulty. But, if
this
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 accessibility was endless in their childhood it would be a dilemma to control their demands and expectations in the future.
Submitted by afrough on

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Introduction Enhancement
Expand your introduction by providing a broader context or a brief explanation of why the issue is important, which can make your argument stronger from the beginning.
Examples Enrichment
Consider adding more specific, detailed examples to support your main points. While mentioning a niece and a cousin's teenage son are good starts, deeper details or a wider range of examples could strengthen your argument.
Coherence Improvement
To increase coherence, use a wider variety of transitional phrases and topic sentences that clearly indicate the shift from one idea to the next. This will improve the flow of your essay.
Conclusion Enhancement
In the conclusion, restate your thesis in a new way and consider summarizing the main points of both sides to reinforce your argument before presenting your final stance.
Task Response Improvement
Although the task achievement criterion demonstrates that you have responded to the task appropriately, for a higher score, ensure that you clearly address all parts of the prompt. Discuss both advantages and disadvantages in equal measure, and explicitly relate them to the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • enhanced creativity
  • motor skill development
  • educational benefits
  • social skills
  • overstimulation
  • cognitive abilities
  • fine motor skills
  • gross motor skills
  • sharing and cooperation
  • shorter attention spans
  • lack of value
  • gratitude and appreciation
  • environmental impact
  • non-recyclable materials
  • materialistic values
  • sense of entitlement
What to do next:
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