IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some believe that modern technology is increasing the gap between rich and poor people, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#believe #technology #gap #people
Nowadays for becoming
Change preposition
in
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to
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in
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 the digital age
technololgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 become
on
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one
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 of
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an
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the
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an
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 integral part of
out
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our
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life
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lives
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. A part of
world
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the world
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think
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thinks
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 that technology seperate human beings
in
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into
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 different
society
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societal
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 groups
other
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others
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 totally disagree with
this
 statement.
I
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In
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this
 essay I will totally agree and I will give facts in
favor
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favour
show examples
.
Firstly
, it is evident that
phone
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the phone
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 is one of the
neccesary
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necessary
thing
Change to a plural noun
things
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 in our life,
However
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However,
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 can be different and their cost
different
Add a missing verb
are different
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.
Furthermore
, there is no doubt that in school
student
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students
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 can
seperate
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separate
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from other
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other
Change the wording
another student
other students
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student
 by their
phone
 and
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the technolgy
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technolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
gadjects
Correct your spelling
gadgets
 which they got.
For instance
, if someone got Iphone
other
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another
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student
 got
Huewai
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a Huewai
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 their cost are totally different and
student
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students
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 can bully
this
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the
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 guy.
Nevertheless
, I still believe that the burgeoning growth of technologies provides individuals with the ideal opportunities to gain a sufficient income for several reasons. Chief among these is that students living in rural areas can increase
the
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their
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chance
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chances
show examples
 of receiving a good education via media platforms
such
 as Google, which information resources are free of charge.
As a result
,
this
 cannot only help them save their tuition fee but
also
 allocate that money for learning hands-on skills. Another reason worth mentioning is that with the immense benefits of smartphones, people even in the indigent class can obtain one, which is not extravagant, in order to keep themselves abreast of current affairs, regardless of location and use the applications in the
phone
 to market their products through Shopee or Tiki.
This
 enables them to bring considerable revenue and makes it easier to become well-off in the future. In conclusion, despite acknowledging why some may argue that on account of
this
 tendency, society might witness significant discrimination based on money, I still hold the belief that by enhancing technological equipment, humans can meet a better living standard.
Submitted by zhanabayev.z on

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task achievement
Develop a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to state your position and how you plan to support it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures and check for grammatical accuracy to improve clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments and make sure they are directly related to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the essay’s overall flow and coherence.
task achievement
Consider comparing and discussing contrasting views in greater detail to provide a more balanced analysis of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Avoid making overgeneralizations without supporting evidence. Be specific and clear in your claims.
coherence cohesion
Check for typing errors or misspelled words to maintain a professional tone throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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