People prefer to choose life without working when given a choice between life without work and working throughout their life.
A faction of
people
hold the notion that employment
in
not necessary if there is a stable income. I totally agree with Correct your spelling
is
this
opinion as ample reasons to substantiate it. This
essay will explain my view with relevant illustrations.
First and foremost, one of the obvious stimulation for employment
is renumeration
. Correct your spelling
remuneration
In other words
, the people
have sufficient money to live they are not require
to work for Change the verb form
are not required
the
living Correct article usage
a
instead
they can pursue their dreams such
as travelling. For example
, a young man from a reputed business family decided for travelling
Change preposition
to travel
instead
of managing their family business. Besides
, employment
may be caused for
physical and mental issues. To exemplify, It is believed that 40% of Change preposition
by
workforce
around the world Add an article
the workforce
has
suffering Verb problem
is
various
kinds of stress. Change preposition
from various
As a result
, the well-being of poeple
wouldCorrect your spelling
people
inversly
Correct your spelling
inversely
affect
by routine Wrong verb form
affected
employment
.
Furthermore
, several people
around the world are
Unnecessary verb
apply
prefered
to do voluntary work rather than doing lucrative Correct your spelling
prefer
job
. In detail, Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
an
Remove the article
apply
employment
might provide financial security which would not be sufficient for the
Correct article usage
apply
self satisfaction
, Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
therefore
, several people
decide to do voluntary works
for poor Fix the agreement mistake
work
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
instead
of spending throughout
their life in Correct pronoun usage
it throughout
corporate
business world. Add an article
the corporate
Similarly
some faction of Add a comma
Similarly,
people
holds
the notion that Correct subject-verb agreement
hold
employment
is not vital for living. In detail, YouTube influencers are creating incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
while
chasing their dreams.
In conclusion, since employment
causes physical and mental issues, employment
is not necessary for the
Correct article usage
apply
people
who have second
income. Several Add an article
a second
people
choose voluntary work instead
of Correct article usage
a lucreative
lucreative
job for Correct your spelling
lucrative
creative
self satisfaction
.Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
Submitted by ck.manshad on
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Task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response, however, the development of your main points could be more thorough. Be sure to expand each point with specific details and examples to fully address the prompt.
Task achievement
To improve task achievement, aim to develop your ideas more thoroughly. Include more specific examples and ensure that each paragraph fully addresses a single main idea related to the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay demonstrates an adequate level of coherence and cohesion. However, some sentences and ideas could be more smoothly connected to enhance readability. Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on structuring your paragraphs more clearly. Start with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Finally, conclude each paragraph by linking back to the essay's main argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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