IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

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Some people claim that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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government funds should not be wasted on arts,
instead
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, the money can be used
in
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for
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 other important things. I agree with
this
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 statement because
the
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apply
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government officials can use the money in solving social issues
such
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 as
education
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, infrastructure and unemployment. One of the prevailing problems in
the
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apply
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society today is
lack
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the lack
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 of
education
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. Rather than investing in arts, government funds can be allocated
in
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to
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 enhancing the
education
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 system of the country.
For example
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, it can be used in building science and computer laboratories in public schools. With
this
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, students will be able to develop and enhance their skills.
This
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 is very beneficial in today's world as the fields
in
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of
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 science and technology
is
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are
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 growing rapidly.
As a result
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, students will be more globally competent.
In addition
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 to that, the budget can
also
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 be redistributed
in
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to
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 funding infrastructure projects,
such
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 as public transportation. Improving the public transport sectors can help decrease
the
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apply
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traffic congestion,
as well as
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the
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carbon gas emissions, and it will create job opportunities.
Moreover
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,
unemployment
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the unemployment
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 problem could
also
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 be addressed by promoting vocational training programs in order to enhance and provide practical skills to people.
This
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 initiative can create pathways to in-demand skills.
Thus
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, it can promote economic growth. In conclusion, though arts contribute to the culture of
the
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apply
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society, I believe that it is not the best way to utilize the taxpayer’s money. Rather, it can be used in solving the issues in the society
such
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 as
education
Use synonyms
, infrastructure and unemployment.

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Task Achievement
To further enhance your task achievement, ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses different aspects of the prompt. While you have strong arguments, further elaboration on how the absence of government funding in the arts directly impacts society would provide a more balanced argumentation.
Coherence & Cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on linking your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. Use a range of cohesive devices beyond just 'In addition to that' and 'Moreover'. Experiment with phrases like 'Another critical area for consideration is' or 'Furthermore'. This variation will make your essay flow more naturally.
Task Achievement & Coherence & Cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, aim to succinctly paraphrase the prompt and clearly state your position. This practice is evident in your essay but can be improved by adding a more nuanced discussion of the opposing viewpoint, even if to refute it. This will not only demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic but also enhance your argument's persuasiveness.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enriching society
  • promoting cultural understanding
  • development of talent
  • creative industries
  • economic benefits
  • generate revenue
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • prioritize spending
  • needs of the majority
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