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Band 7

Many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #people #responsibility #governments
Obesity and wellness problems among
children
 become a vital and common issue at present.
While
 many people argue that the authorities should take responsibility for reducing it, I believe there should be more people engaged in solving
this
 problem. In
this
 essay, I will discuss my opinion with examples in the following paragraphs. With the change in the work pattern, a two-paycheck family is universal, which results in
children
 needing to buy meals themselves. Owing to a lack of
health
 knowledge, choosing unhealthy
food
such
 as hamburgers and french fries rather than nutrition dietary can definitely happen. Take my 10-year-old cousin as an example, his parents always work overtime, leading to him going for fast noodles as a meal all the time because it is a kind of easy and delicious
food
 for him.
Therefore
, I think it is important that parents teach
children
 how to choose the best
food
, which can not only improve their dietary habits but
also
further
 increase their
health
 level.
On the other hand
, high sugar and processed
food
 are the main culprits that account for the fat issues, and these foods are extremely easy to obtain for
children
 because of the cheap price.
For instance
, a chocolate bar's price is 10 NT dollars in Taiwan, being ten times cheaper than a healthy lunch box;
hence
children
 may choose to buy sweets
instead
 of high-price but healthy meals. To achieve a better
health
 results, the government should raise the cost of the junk
food
.
To sum up
,
children
's overweight and
health
 problems are complex.
Although
 the government should take efficient measures to solve it, I believe that parents should
also
 need to take action on
children
's dietary education.
Submitted by Chloe on

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Task Achievement
To improve task response, make sure to directly address the prompt more explicitly throughout the essay. While your position is stated, reinforcing how each argument relates to the responsibility of governments versus individuals or parents could make your stance clearer and more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical structure of your arguments by using more varied linking phrases and clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
To solidify your points and make your arguments more persuasive, consider integrating more varied and deeper examples or statistical data to support your views. This would not only strengthen the coherence but also the effectiveness of your task achievement.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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