IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

A REPORT INDICATED THAT MANY CHILDREN BETWEEN 7 AND 11 SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING TELEVISION AND / OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES. HOW DOES THE PROBLEM AFFECT THE CHILDREN? WHAT MEASURES CAN BE TAKEN TO CONTROL IT?

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A survey discovered that there is a growing amount of hours spent watching television and/or video games among children aged 7–11. I think
this
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 issue can discourage their thinking ability, and parents should restrict it to overcome
this
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 matter.
To begin
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 with, watching TV and playing games too much can inhibit cognitive skills.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that
this
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 practice can lead to a shorter attention span and a struggle with focus.
For example
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, a neuroscience study suggests that children who devote the majority of their attention to gadgets have a lower ability to read books than those who don't. It implies that
this
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 behaviour can cause them to hardly do activities with high focus,
such
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 as reading novels.
As a result
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, they may find it difficult to excel in their academic studies and improve their knowledge. To address
this
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 concern, parents should limit screen time for their kids.
In other words
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,
this
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 approach can influence them to do various activities rather than recreational ones.
For instance
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, there is an app called Opal that can block other applications after being used for a certain time. With
this
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 feature, individuals can regulate the maximum period admissible for specific applications, including Netflix and HBO;
consequently
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, it will block these applications if the limit is reached.
Subsequently
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, adults can invite their youngsters to participate in
further
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 interesting hobbies
such
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 as sports, gardening, or cooking. In conclusion, young generations that spend most of their moments doing entertainment, particularly films and gaming, may have lower intellectual abilities and find it hard to concentrate;
thus
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, their parents ought to encourage them to cut back on their gadget routines and engage in alternative exciting ones.

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed. While your essay touches on both the effects of excessive screen time and potential measures to control it, expanding on both parts with equal depth and detail could better meet the task's requirements.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, aim to vary your use of linking words and phrases to demonstrate a wider range of language used to connect ideas. Additionally, consider organizing paragraphs so that each main idea is introduced with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, ensure that your paragraphs flow logically from one to the next, clearly linking the problems identified with the solutions proposed. This can be accomplished by using recap sentences at the end of paragraphs that lead smoothly into the following paragraph’s main idea.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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