IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that government should spend more on public services rather than wasting money on arts. To what extent do you agree?

#people #government #services #money #arts
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Governments allocate their budget to different sectors
according to
Linking Words
 public necessity. Some people contend that
instead
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 of funding
arts
Use synonyms
, they should increase spending on public services. I completely agree with
this
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 statement as several improvements can be made in these sectors, leading to a better and uniform lifestyle among citizens.
Firstly
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, it is essential to consider that areas
such
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 as healthcare, education, and public transport are not in an ideal state in most countries worldwide. These are the primary needs of the citizens and need to be prioritized over
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
. If,
for example
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, the focus is shifted towards art, it will unjustly flourish at the expense of human life, which itself is priceless.
Moreover
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, these facilities need maintenance to stay functional,
hence
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, they are worthy of
this
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 expenditure.
Furthermore
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, all classes of society share
such
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 services. When the administration spends more towards a common benefit, it promotes equality and,
therefore
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, curbs resentment.
For example
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, disparity is evident in the accessibility of modes of transportation and quality of treatments in terms of social status. To alleviate
this
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, it is necessary to stop wasting money on the
arts
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
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, art is a means of expression at individual and national levels. It preserves and promotes culture, which is why it deserves funding too.
This
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, in turn, might assist young artists in continuing work and not falling prey to the economy. Despite the importance of
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 mentioned above, I believe that public services require more attention and finances.
This
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 shift will benefit the community in general and address the socio-economic clash.
Submitted by amnaasiddiquii on

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cohesion
To enhance the logical structure of your essay, ensure that each paragraph naturally flows into the next. Utilize transitional phrases to bridge ideas and paragraphs smoothly. This will help in creating a more coherent argument.
structure
It's beneficial to have a more defined introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should explicitly state your thesis or stance on the issue, while your conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and reiterate your position. This clear structure helps readers understand your argument better from beginning to end.
task response
To improve task achievement, try to develop your ideas further with more specific and varied examples. While your essay includes relevant examples, increasing their specificity and variety could strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea that directly supports your overall position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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