IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the problem of illegal drugs can be solved by just legalising all drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

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In the
last
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 decades, AI, modern technologies and gadgets especially smartphones have developed significantly.
The
Correct your spelling
They

The word The doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 have got attractive features for different ages. Children are not the expectation. There are a number of strong arguments to support the idea that the decreasing amount of time that kids spend
on
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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offline is dangerously alarming.
To begin
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 with, the main cause of children dwelling too much on their phones is that algorithms control apps, social media and videos.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the app developers are skilled in keeping attention which can make people
addictive
Replace the word
addicted

The word addictive doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 in order to make money. Kids are more likely to be attracted because of their natural curiosity.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they may lack self-control and refuse to put their gadgets down to do their responsibility
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as studying, physical activity or engaging with their family members. If
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 issue is not quickly tackled, it will lead to more serious damage,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as a lack of self-regulation.
Thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the overuse of smartphones has some impacts on their owners.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, a lot of articles have linked excessive phone use to decreased attention spans, difficulties with critical thinking and memory,
a
Correct word choice
and a

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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declining
Replace the word
decline

The word declining doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 in academic performance and physical wellness.
In addition
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, screens would harm children’s eyes. Researchers say that adolescents with low
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels

It seems that level may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 of activity or sport tend to be more brittle, easily get sick and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.
having
Change the form of the verb
have

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb having. Consider changing it.

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 a higher risk of obesity.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, еhe low physical strengths will slowly disrupt their long-term health condition, which is a higher risk
to get
Change preposition
of getting

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 a chronic disease in the future. In conclusion, I believe that there are positive aspects of
development
Add an article
the development

The noun phrase development seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 of technologies, which can make our life easier, but the negative impact can not be disregarded. It is clear to me that moderation and parental control are crucial for ensuring a balanced use of smartphones by children.

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task response
The essay doesn't directly answer the given prompt, which was about the legalisation of all drugs as a solution to the problem of illegal drugs. Instead, it discusses the effects of technology on children's lives. It's essential to closely read and address the specific task given.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. The essay could benefit from clearer connections and transitions between points, helping the reader follow the argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Include a brief introduction and conclusion that directly respond to the task's question. This will help frame your discussion and summarise your stance effectively.
task achievement
Use specific examples relevant to the topic to support your arguments. While some examples were mentioned, ensuring they're directly linked to your main points will strengthen your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • illegal drugs
  • legalisation/legalization
  • drug trafficking
  • regulate
  • stigma
  • addiction treatment
  • drug use
  • addiction rates
  • ethical concerns
  • negative health effects
  • trafficked illegally
  • law enforcement
  • comprehensive education
  • addiction treatment services
  • nuanced approach
  • drug policy
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