IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to work or study in cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh the drawbacks?

#people #homes #areas #work #study #cities #development
Nowadays, it has become a trend for youngsters to work or apply for colleges and universities in
cities
 outside of rural places where their homes are .
As a result
,
this
 has become a controversial subject on whether the advantages are worth its downsides.
This
 essay believes that the advantages make the drawbacks look unimportant because of the job opportunities and the quality of studying in
cities
.
To begin
 with, it is important to note that the number of jobs available in
cities
 is higher and
due to
 that it is much easier for young people to start their careers and make more money
as a result
.
For instance
, based on interviews with people working in
cities
, most of the employees were from rural areas and said that they could not find the
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 they wanted in their hometowns.
Furthermore
, they said because of it they can have the lifestyle that they desire to have.
Moreover
, the number of high-ranked universities and colleges is another key factor.
Nonetheless
,the majority of youth find studying at these places more valuable.
For example
, based on
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research done by multiple universities in London, more than half of the attendants were outsiders.To continue
this
, they asked the students themselves for their reasons.
Nevertheless
, most of them said the courses they wanted to apply for were not available from where they came from.
In addition
, they displayed that the quality of teaching is low with not much of a difference in tuition costs in London.
To sum up
,
although
 there are disadvantages to
this
 matter like any other action, it is fair to say that its result
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end based on the factors shown worth it.
Submitted by mhosseinnaseri14 on

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task achievement
Make sure to directly answer both parts of the question in your introduction for a clearer task response. While you have discussed reasons and advantages, directly stating your stance in the introduction will make your essay more coherent.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'Moreover' and 'Furthermore', try 'Additionally', 'In addition', 'On the other hand', etc.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments. While you've mentioned interviews and research, adding fictitious data, like specific job roles or courses, can make your examples more persuasive.
general advice
Be mindful of occasional grammatical errors and sentence structures that could hinder clarity. Reading your essay out loud or having it reviewed by peers can help identify and correct these issues.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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