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Band 6.5

Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as if once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #members
Nowadays, it is generally claimed that as the population continues to grow.
As a result
, a number of
people
 believe a huge family is not necessary,
while
others
 do not agree with
this
 idea. I personally believe that both extended family and nuclear family are important. There are many strong arguments to support the idea that extended family is not important. Lots of
people
 believe that nuclear
families
 are simple cells in society and good for
people
’s mental health.
For instance
, the child who is the only kid in his family does not share his parents’ love with
others
.
In addition
,
this
 group of children can learn how to depend on lives in
this
 world early. Because when they were children, they always decided to do something by themselves.
Consequently
, nuclear
families
 have more benefits than huge
families
.
On the other hand
, there are a number of important reasons to agree with the idea that extended family is necessary. Many
people
 say humans are social animals so we should live together and we should have not only one child in our family. Especially, when we meet some issues, we can ask
others
 who can give us some good advice and find the best way to solve
this
 problem. Not only is it good for us personally, but
also
 it is good for society.
For example
, when children who have extended
families
 grow up, they can share their own things or ideas with
others
. So, they have better social skills, they can
also
 integrate into our society faster.
As a result
, extended family is really important. In conclusion, both extended family and nuclear family are significant.
People
 should choose a suitable family size based on family needs.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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Task Achievement
Enhance your introduction and conclusion by clearly stating the topic and your position on it. A more direct approach helps in establishing a strong foundation and conclusion for your essay.
Task Achievement
Increase the use of relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Doing so adds depth to your essay and makes your points more convincing to the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on creating a more logical structure within your paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences that reinforce that idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that your essay flows smoothly from one idea to the next. Use transitional phrases and ensure that each paragraph naturally leads to the next.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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