IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people think that individuals are responsible for their own health but others believe that it is the government's responsibility. discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some individuals state that one's
health
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 condition is their own responsibility,
therefore
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, one should take measures to prevent illness and improve it.
Whereas
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, some
people
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 argue that the
government
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 plays a major role and they should take action in a way that the society is generally healthy. From the first point of perspective, it is believed that everyone is responsible for their
health
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, which I completely agree
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 Nowadays, there is so much information you can find whether in books or even social media
such
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 as Instagram or
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
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, where fitness, nutritionists, and
dieticionists
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dieticians
 are a big thing. That means
,
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apply
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 everyone has access to information whether it is about eating healthy, losing weight, toning, gaining muscles, making protein shakes, smoothies or even what type of tea to drink for better sleep. The point is
although
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 the information is open and public to everyone, not all
people
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 take these measures to improve their lifestyle and their habits.
This
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 leads to a point that
people
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 have free will and it is completely up to them in what lifestyle to engage in. If one is curious and has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 discipline and motivation to better their
health
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 and well-being, it is in their hands. Another perspective is that the
government
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 is responsible for the individual's
health
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 and I think, it makes sense to some extent because the system
such
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 as healthcare is majorly impacted by the
government
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's influence.
Thus
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, the
government
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 should make sure that healthcare services are available or affordable to the general public so that it does not seem like a luxury but a basic human right. Even, rules on banning electronic cigarettes or increasing the price help with the prevention of a high number of smokers and Hong Kong is a good example of that. The statistics show that there has been a decline in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of smokers these years compared to the past years. Another thing is the public gym equipment that encourages adults and kids to go out for fresh air and make use of these exercises. Placing them in parks is
such
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 a brilliant idea that the HK
government
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 implemented. Even seeing
people
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 or old
people
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 makes passing by individuals inspire and reflect on their habits. The accessibility, comfort and safety of hikes are other big things that can be done by the
government
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. When
such
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 resources are available, it makes for individuals in society to take care of their
health
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 easily. In
coclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the perfect example is the combination of both, the individual's effort and will to try and take care of their
health
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as well as
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 the
government
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's effort and emphasis on healthcare by providing a good system and accessible infrastructure.
However
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, in the end, it is up to a person to make use of
such
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 benefits or just ignore them.

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Introduction Improvement
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines your stance, adding a thesis statement could enrich this section.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on smoothly transitioning between paragraphs through the use of linking phrases to enhance the logical flow.
Content Development
Deepen your analysis by providing more varied examples and evidences to support your discussion points.
Conclusion Enhancement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points discussed and reinforces your opinion, making it more pronounced.
Language Variation
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and vocabularies to enrich the expression of your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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