IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that those who are selfish and does not care about others are more likely to success at work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #care #success #work
People
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 always celebrating birthdays and marriages, they spend a lot of
money
 to make the most beautiful and interesting event and they like it, but
somebody
Correct pronoun usage
some
show examples
 thinks that it is a waste of
money
. In the
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I want to discuss both views and give my own opinion. On the one hand, birthdays and marriage
celebration
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrations
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a part of our culture and it is important for society, for somebody it is a chance to show their priority and status and they make huge and very expensive celebrations to prove it, but for
others
Add a comma
others,
show examples
 it is a tradition and a way to get a rest or make these events memorable
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because in nowadays we spend too much time at work and not everyone can travel and do something special, which is why celebration helps them to distract.
On the other hand
, it takes
money
 and time to prepare and the best way to celebrate it is to go
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 trip with your friends or with your partner with
this
money
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it can be much
memorable
Correct quantifier usage
more memorable
show examples
, interesting and exciting.
Also
 if you are a poor guy
then
this
money
 can be used
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 more
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
. In my own opinion, celebration is important for our mental health, which is why I think that people should spend
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it, but not too much and invite only
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 close relatives and friends. In the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
 I would like to write that everyone should celebrate how and where they want and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not listen to anybody.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses the given topic from the beginning. Your introduction should introduce the topic of discussion clearly.
task achievement
Increase the relevance of your examples and arguments to the topic at hand. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea related to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your essay more effectively. Include a clear introductory paragraph, followed by body paragraphs that explore specific points, and a conclusive paragraph that summarises your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs, enhancing the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Focus on developing your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. This will help in supporting your arguments and making your essay more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • selfish
  • care about others
  • success at work
  • opposing view
  • arguments
  • supporting
  • against
  • balanced view
What to do next:
Look at other essays: