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Band 6.5

Some people think that it is necessary to travel to learn about other countries. Others feel same can be learnt through TV and internet. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #travel #countries #learnt #tv #internet
In recent years, numerous
people
 have assumed that
television
 and the
internet
 could be
media
 transfers to study other
nations
. Meanwhile, there are individuals who believe that travelling abroad is the best way and essential to know more about other
nations
.
This
 essay will discuss both views and state my own opinion.
To begin
 with, it is undeniable that some individuals believe that
television
 and the
internet
 could be
media
 for learning about other country and their cultures. There is a reason behind
this
 statement. Since we live in a modern world in which all the information is easy to access and widespread on the
internet
, is seen as a positive development for several
people
.
Therefore
, they assume learning can be effective just through
media
such
 as Google on the
Internet
, YouTube,
television
, and radio.
Moreover
, they do not need to spend a lot of their money going abroad just to study the diversity which they can find in the
media
 too.
On the other hand
, in my point of view, visiting overseas has plenty of advantages and essentials to get to know about the diversity in
this
 world.
However
, technology has grown rapidly and travelling abroad become easier and more convenient.
Therefore
,
people
 nowadays are more attracted to learning about other cultures and believe that travelling is more crucial than just learning it by screening.
Besides
, when
people
 visit other
nations
, they will have two ways of communicating with local
people
 and other foreigners which is that you cannot find when you just surf on
television
 or other.
Moreover
, talking to other
people
 can enhance communication and know better about their culture. In conclusion,
although
 understanding other countries could be found on the
internet
 or by reading information. but I still believe travelling overseas is necessary in order to have a deep and full understanding of the culture in other
nations
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses both views and provides a position, it would benefit from more specific examples and detailed explanations to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and strong supporting sentences to improve coherence.
language
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases; revising for accuracy and fluency would enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader understand the main points being made.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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