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Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume Less Sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Most of the manufactured food and drink
products
 involve too much
sugar
 which can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to illness. It is argued that a way of steering clear of processed
foods
 which contain
sugar
 is
make
Fix the infinitive
to make
show examples
 them more expensive. I totally agree with
this
 statement. These days, sugary
products
 are so commonplace, actually, they can be found easily in many supermarkets in the city.
For example
, if you desire to drink a soda or an energy drink, you just need to go to a market near your home and most probably you can find them there.
In addition
, most of the sugary
products
 are so delicious and well-designed, so, they can grab
people
's attention. Children, especially, are highly fond of these
products
,
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, most of them can not resist
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
nutella
Change the capitalization
Nutella
show examples
 bar. Because of
mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
show examples
 reasons, individuals prefer to eat too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 sugary
products
. Now, it is noticeable that the price of most of these
products
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 lower than eating a more healthier food in a restaurant,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to
this
 they are more economical.
Nevertheless
, if
people
 have to pay more for these unhealthy sugary meals, they might avoid
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
consuming them. So, a price increase in processed
foods
 can cause a drop in eating them. In
this
cases
Fix the agreement mistake
case
show examples
,
people
 may want to eat more healthier
foods
 as opposed to consuming manufactured meals. In conclusion, by increasing
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 manufactured
foods
 which
consist
Verb problem
contain
show examples
 too much
sugar
,
people
 may give a chance to less-contained
sugar
foods
, which can lead to a
more healthy
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
 diet, and
as a result
, more
healthy
Replace the word
healthier
show examples
 life and body.
Submitted by sindokhtdadjoo2000 on

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Task Achievement
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Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing your essay more logically with clear transitions between ideas. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to maintain better flow. Additionally, paragraphing can be improved by ensuring each paragraph is focused on a single main idea, supported with clear examples or explanations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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