IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Dicuss both view and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth #dicuss
In some cultures, people who are
adulthood
Replace the word
adults
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 valued by culture.
However
, from my perspective,
youth
 should be a priority in a number of specific
field
Change to a plural noun
fields
show examples
.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give the opinion of the writer. It should be acknowledged that the young affect profoundly on nowadays culture
due to
 their creativity and vitality. Being affected by technology and new thinking from an early age, young adults equip
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
an
Change preposition
with an
show examples
 open-minded brain in aspects of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Moreover
, in their
youth
, chemistry is produced to strengthen their brains and muscle, which
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to come up with new ideas and take action
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them.
As a consequence
, society
develop
Change the verb form
develops
show examples
 through new ideas and it can
also
 turn into a breakthrough in humans.
However
, aged
life
 should
also
 be considered
due to
 the fact of their maturity. Living
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 age that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 experienced numerous events
occurred
Correct pronoun usage
that occurred
show examples
 both in their
life
 and
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the world, elderly people can provide
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society
decisions
Change preposition
with decisions
show examples
 which was summarized by experience.
As a result
, a number of breakthroughs or ideas were completely safely done.
Therefore
, a combination
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
 aged
life
 and
youth
 should
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
have happened
show examples
 to have
further
 breakthroughs.
Although
 both younger and elderly bring advantages to society, inexperienced adults have more
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
show examples
 to use their creativity and strength than older people.
Furthermore
, younger can rely on their responsibility to make
risk
Replace the word
risky
show examples
 choices and may make breakthroughs. In conclusion,
although
 I acknowledge the elderly should be respected
due to
 their vast amount of knowledge, I would say that the potential of the
youth
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 social terms and their responsible future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay begins to address the prompt, but it could benefit from a clearer structure. Consider using more explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to better outline the main points and their relevance to the question.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is supported by specific examples or explanations. Currently, your arguments sometimes lack the detailed evidence needed to fully convince the reader. Referencing studies, statistics, or real-life scenarios can strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, in your introduction, make sure to clearly state your thesis or main argument. In the conclusion, ensure to recap the main points discussed and reinforce your stance on the issue.
task achievement
Try to maintain a formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid using contractions or informal language, as this can undermine the formality of your academic writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • wisdom
  • experience
  • elders
  • authority
  • historical continuity
  • innovation
  • energy
  • adaptability
  • progress
  • modernization
  • technological advancement
  • intergenerational learning
  • cooperation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: