IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is this a positive or negative development?

#children #sports #time #development
It is true that kids are considering
sports
 both as an intense and recreational activity.
While
 taking
sports
 seriously seems to be nice, I believe that playing
sports
 in leisure time might have its own merits. On the one hand,
sports
 activities, in a serious way, tend to be beneficial because they maintain physical and mental health.
To begin
 with, exercising regularly would improve the sportsmen's physical health to a higher level and help them build up strong muscles.
Furthermore
, it will help sportsmen have fewer mental issues. The effects of exercise on the brain have been approved by scientists all around the world in recent years.
Lastly
, it will
also
 make people more ambitious, making them struggle and fight to achieve specific goals and trophies.
This
 would lead them to be more goal-oriented, diligent, and
subsequently
 prosperous compared to other children.
However
, doing physical activities in leisure time could be fun and healthy,
as well as
 reducing the risk of getting injured compared to following a sport strictly.
Firstly
, playing
sports
 in the free time with friends could be fun. A lack of competition between individuals would result in a happy and thriving environment, which could
also
 strengthen the relationship between them.
Secondly
, playing
sports
 regularly, similar to training hard, might help you keep fit and get into shape.
This
 may increase their life expectancy, which is probably the prior goal of habitual sportsmen.
Finally
, engaging muscles with tough practices may lead to harm to different parts of the body, even if the training is controlled.
For example
, it is normal for professional football players to get injured at least once during their careers, which sometimes may lead to life-long issues. In conclusion,
although
 I recognize the people who argue that taking
sports
 seriously is a positive development, I believe that following regular exercise would be more advantageous.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction Improvement
Ensure your introduction clearly introduces the topic and your viewpoint. Your introduction does well in presenting the topic, but make it more dynamic by adding a hook or a more compelling opening sentence.
Example Development
Develop your main points with more specific and varied examples. While you've included examples, diversifying them and going into more detail could strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
Balanced Discussion
Aim for a balanced approach in your discussion. While you've covered both sides, ensure you're not favoring one over the other unless the prompt asks for your opinion. This will make your essay more balanced and nuanced.
Conclusion Enhancement
Work on your essay's conclusion. Reinforce your standpoint and summarize the main points without introducing new information. Your conclusion currently does this; however, making it more impactful by clearly restating your position will enhance your closing.
Transition Usage
Maintain coherence and cohesion by using a variety of linking words and phrases effectively. You do well in this area, but further refinement and variation of transitions can enhance the flow of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: