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Band 6.5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#aim #science #people #lives
Many
individuals
 believe that
music
 serves as an effective means of uniting
people
 from diverse cultures and age groups. I absolutely agree with
this
 view because
music
 is a universal language and provides social connection.
To begin
 with,
music
 is often considered a universal language that transcends cultural barriers. Regardless of the specific genre or style, the emotional and expressive qualities of
music
 can resonate with
people
 from various backgrounds.
For instance
,
people
 all around the world sing a popular song from one of the Korean bands, BTS, called “Dynamite”.
Moreover
,
music
 provides a platform for social interaction. Whether through dancing, singing
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or simply listening together,
people
 can bond over shared musical experiences.
This
 shared enjoyment can help bridge generational gaps and create connections between
individuals
 of different ages.
For example
, a multicultural
music
 festival where
people
 from various backgrounds gather to celebrate different genres of
music
. Attendees of all ages, ethnicities, and walks of life come together in a shared space to enjoy performances by artists representing diverse cultures. During the festival,
individuals
 engage in conversations about the
music
, exchange thoughts on the performances, and even share personal stories related to specific songs. Meanwhile, some
people
 argue that musical preferences vary widely, and what appeals to one group may not resonate with another. They believe that diverse tastes can create division rather than unity.
To sum up
, a commonly held belief is that
music
 is a powerful tool for bringing together
individuals
 of different cultures and age ranges. I wholeheartedly support
this
 perspective because
music
 is a universal language and fosters social connections
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
While your essay presents a relevant response to the prompt, it demonstrates some deficiencies in addressing the counterargument effectively, which impacts the completeness of your response. Make sure to fully develop opposing viewpoints and provide a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an acceptable logical structure, including an introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between the main points could be improved for smoother coherence. Additionally, cohesion can be enhanced by the use of varied connectives and clearer topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial role
  • technological advancements
  • medical discoveries
  • life-changing inventions
  • innovations
  • solutions to human problems
  • enhancing quality of life
  • improvement of healthcare
  • transportation
  • communication
  • agriculture
  • energy sectors
  • eradication of diseases
  • prolongation of life expectancy
  • global challenges
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • food security
  • developed world
  • underprivileged communities
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