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Band 4.5

Many doctors say that people in the modern world do not exercise enough. What are the courses for this? What are the solutions to this problem?

#doctors #people #world #exercise #courses
In the modern world, it is undeniable that
people
 less attention to their health care.
Due to
 their working
time
 and lifestyle.
Also
, some
people
 can't register gym members for
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
. Because of their price. In
this
 essay, I will explain about cause of
problems
 and the solution for solving the
problems
.
To begin
 with, it can be seen that the major problem is the working
time
 of
people
. Because many
people
 say that, they don't have
time
 for a workout since work hard. Some
people
 argue they do not have knowledge of
exercise
 .
For example
, the knowledge of how to improve their muscle and lose their fat.
Nevertheless
, some
people
 believe it depends on their habits when feel lazy.
Moreover
, the cost of
gyms
Change the noun form
gym
show examples
 members is expensive. On the one hand, to solve these
problems
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 many
method
Change to a plural noun
methods
show examples
.
Firstly
, to make
stategies
Correct your spelling
strategies
 for
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
time
 management and select
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
 way for jobs and
exercise
.
For instance
, some
people
 use the To-Do list
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 manage their
time
. Some experts suggest
should hire
Wrong verb form
hiring
show examples
personal
Add an article
a personal
show examples
 trainer
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 improve and maintain
physical
Add an article
the physical
show examples
 body.
Also
, the price
problems
 can
solve
Wrong verb form
be solved
show examples
 by
change
Wrong verb form
changing
show examples
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 to free
exercise
.
For example
, running and jogging.
However
,
major
Add an article
a major
the major
show examples
 method for
solve
Change the verb form
solving
show examples
 the
problems
 should begin
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
change
Replace the word
changing
show examples
 habit and
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 their lifestyle.
Such
 as from
lazy
Correct article usage
a lazy
show examples
 person to
active
Correct article usage
an active
show examples
 person To
conclue
Correct your spelling
conclude
, many of the
problems
 from
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 can solve by
change
Wrong verb form
changing
show examples
 habits and
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
.
However
,
exercise
 is better for many
people
.
People
 should spend their
time
 for
workout
Add an article
a workout
the workout
show examples
.
Submitted by kungslowjam on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay is clearly structured with distinct paragraphs for your introduction, arguments, and conclusion. It appears some ideas are introduced without clear separation or logical flow, which affects the reader's ability to follow your reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. Your arguments would be stronger if you included statistics, studies, or specific anecdotal evidence that directly relates to the points you're making.
task achievement
Address the essay prompt directly and ensure every part of the question is answered comprehensively. It seems some aspects of the solutions could be developed further or made more relevant to the specific problem of inadequate exercise.
task achievement
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and varied sentence structures to make your writing more sophisticated and engaging. Errors and repetitive structures can detract from the clarity and professionalism of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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