IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the cases?Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #cases #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a trend that much time of young people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 spent on the mobile phones. It is totally negative from my perspective. The essay will explain how the phenomenon comes and why it is harmful. On the one hand, the parents ignore the significance of
company
Add an article
the company
show examples
. There are more and more people
tend
Correct pronoun usage
who tend
show examples
 to focus
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their career rather than their family. In consequence, young
children
Use synonyms
 have no person to play with and talk with. The only object which is interactive is the
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are more and more mobile games in the APP store. Though the kids may not be taught how to download it, the game will easily attract
children
Use synonyms
 to touch it
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 some cartoon or voice.
For instance
Linking Words
, my little sister, who is only 5 years old,
watch
Wrong verb form
watched
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 educational video. There are various
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 of games at the corner of the screen.
In addition
Linking Words
, the ability
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 self-control is worse when
peolple
Correct your spelling
people
 are young. The parents should take the responsibility of monitoring the
children
Use synonyms
.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, they may be addicted
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the mobile
phone
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it will have
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on their learning skills.
Moreover
Linking Words
, spending
much
Rephrase
too much
show examples
 time on the
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 will
also
Linking Words
 cause damage to the eyes. There is a set of Chinese
datas
Correct your spelling
data
show
Wrong verb form
showing
show examples
 that with the
propotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
promotion
 of residents who have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
moblie
Correct your spelling
mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
increase
Replace the word
increasing
show examples
, the people who wear glasses
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to be more. In conclusion, the case is caused by two main aspects. It has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
effection
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 on the learning and healthy condition of the
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by niubaochun on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your introduction should present the topic and your thesis statement, each body paragraph should focus on a single main idea with supporting details, and your conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position.
coherence
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs, and to enhance the overall flow of your essay.
examples
Expand on your ideas with more specific examples and details. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
style
Work on varying your sentence structure and vocabulary to avoid repetition and to make your essay more engaging.
language
Pay careful attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation to avoid errors that can distract from your message.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: