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Writing Samples
Band 7

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree?

#computer #effects #children
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In recent years, there has been a significant increase in the exposure of
children
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 to digital technologies.
This
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 trend has raised concerns, with a plethora of research warning about the detrimental effects of excessive
computer
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 usage on
children
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. I completely agree with
this
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 view, as daily
computer
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use
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 can lead to
addiction
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 and undermine
children
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's well-being.
To begin
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, it is evident that
children
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 are susceptible to becoming addicted to digital technologies. A national study conducted in Australia found that more than 15% of
children
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 aged 6 to 12
use
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computers
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 daily. Many of these
children
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 struggle to regulate their screen time, indicating a high
addiction
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 rate.
Consequently
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, excessive
computer
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use
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 can negatively impact their academic performance, putting them at a disadvantage compared to those who do not
use
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computers
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 frequently.
Therefore
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,
computers
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 not only foster
addiction
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 but
also
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 hinder
children
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's academic success. Another important aspect to consider is the impact of daily
computer
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use
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 on
children
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's well-being. Spending a significant amount of time on screens can lead to a sedentary lifestyle, which can weaken their immune systems and compromise their
overall
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 physical health.
Furthermore
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, prolonged
computer
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use
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 can have adverse effects on their eyesight and posture, which can be difficult to reverse once they are impaired.
Hence
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, the more
children
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 are addicted to
computers
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, the unhealthier they become. In conclusion, I firmly believe that allowing
children
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 to
use
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computers
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 daily can have two major negative consequences:
addiction
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 and a range of health problems.
Therefore
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, I argue that
children
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's screen time should be limited to avoid these negative outcomes.
Submitted by artical5er7 on

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coherence cohesion
To further improve your essay, ensure that you introduce a wider variety of sentence structures and vocabulary. Doing so will not only enrich your argument but will make your writing more engaging for the reader.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, try to incorporate more specific examples or data to support your points. While the examples provided were relevant, additional detail could make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Screen time
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Physical inactivity
  • Cognitive development
  • Internet addiction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Digital literacy
  • Virtual learning environments
  • Parental controls
  • Moderation
  • Online safety
  • Tech-savvy
  • E-learning
  • Information technology
  • Eye strain
  • Social skills
  • Multitasking
  • Interactive education
  • Health repercussions
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