IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In mordern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. 1. Why has this change occured? 2. Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

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It has been observed that juveniles spend most of their
time
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 with their peers rather than with their families.
This
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 inclination has some potential reasons,
such
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 as age differences and tech gadgets. In my opinion,
parents
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 should not force their younger ones to stay at
home
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 rather than play with
friends
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, but they ought to create some recreational stuff at
home
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 so
children
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 like to spend their
time
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 with family. One of the significant reasons why teenagers prefer to spend their
time
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 with peers is because age differences among their family members are quite high.
Children
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 quickly get bored with serious talks as seniors do.
For example
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,
according to
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 a survey report, 73% of
children
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 in the USA do not stay at
home
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 during the day because they feel that their
parents
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 do not prefer to be involved in fun activities with them. Another reason is the interest in new technological gadgets.
Children
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 are always attracted to the things that they see for the first
time
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, so they keep talking about those things with their
friends
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 all of the
time
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.
However
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, they cannot talk with their
parents
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 because of their different mindsets.
Therefore
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, they like to spend most of their
time
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 with their co-aged
friends
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.
However
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,
parents
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 can change their fallacy that staying at
home
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 is boring by arranging recreational activities at
home
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 and saving their
time
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 to participate in those activities with their
children
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.
To conclude
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, younger ones prefer to spend most of their
time
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 with homo-aged
friends
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 than getting bored at
home
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 with family members.
This
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 can be addressed by spending
time
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 with them doing fun stuff and tech talks.

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general
While your essay is mostly clear, consider using more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance readability and demonstrate advanced language skills.
task achievement
The reasons presented are relevant, but they could benefit from more detailed explanations and examples. This would provide stronger support for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, utilizing linking words and phrases. This will improve the overall flow and coherence of your essay.
task response
You have provided a clear response to the task, addressing both parts of the prompt directly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your points are mostly supported with examples, making your arguments more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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