IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long- term effects?

#governments #improvements #healthcare #system #health #countries #long- #term #effects
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Health
 problems including heart disease,
obesities
Replace the word
obesity
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 and diabetes becoming more widespread in developing countries. There are several reasons contributing to
this
 problem
as well as
 potentially drastic
long- term
Correct your spelling
long-term
show examples
 effects. Lifestyle is
important
Add an article
an important
the important
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 and major cause of poor
health
 in developed countries. These days, it is perhaps easier and cheaper to follow
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 unhealthy diet.
for example
, the recent boom in fast food restaurants and chains has enticed people to eat at these establishments rather than cooking healthy meals at home. Stress is another factor that has contributed to poor
health
. The
fast- paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
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 corporate culture and competitive work atmospheres make for a difficult
work- life
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work-life
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 balance, resulting in little to no time for eating healthy or taking care of oneself. These lifestyle choices will have drastic long-term
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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. If generations continue to partake in these unhealthy habits, they will continue on for generations to come.
For instance
, parents who have diabetes or are prone to obesity have a higher chance of passing these conditions on to their children, and so on.
Consequently
, these
health
 problems could result in a higher cost of living.
Due to
 increased demand for services, it is only natural that the
health care
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healthcare
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 industry would charge higher prices to its clients, resulting in higher costs. Poor lifestyle choices, ranging from
unhealth
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
show examples
 diets and higher stress, have certainly contributed to the decrease in
health
 standards. If
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 properly taken care of, these problems could cause harmful
long- term
Correct your spelling
long-term
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 effects to future generations in terms of disease and higher cost of living.
Submitted by keyhan454 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides relevant examples. However, the introduction is brief and does not fully present the essay's argument. Include a more detailed introduction that outlines your main points.
task achievement
Ensure that each body paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay question. This will help in making your points clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is structured in a logical way, but it would benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs and within them. Using phrases such as 'Furthermore', 'In addition', or 'However' can make the flow of ideas smoother.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and typos to improve readability and professionalism. Errors such as 'obesities' (obesity), 'unhealth' (unhealthy), and inconsistent verb tenses detract from the overall quality.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument, provide more varied and detailed examples. You mentioned fast food and stress but expanding on how societal and technological changes contribute could deepen the analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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