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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is true that
people
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 in many nations, more and more
people
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 are relocating to a new location far from their close ones to pursue their
career
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.
While
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 there are some positive aspects of
this
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 trend, I believe that
overall
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 the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, there are two clear advantages of finding jobs away from
people
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’s hometowns.
Firstly
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, moving to a new location might allow
people
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 to have a wider variety of jobs and a better
career
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 prospect.
For example
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, large corporations are mostly located in the capital, so
people
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 from the countryside will need to relocate if they would like to work there.
Secondly
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, a chance to earn a better salary is
also
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 one of the crucial factors encouraging
people
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 to move away from their friends and families.
People
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 find jobs to earn money so they can use it for their own purposes, so the higher the income the job is, the more attracted they will be.
On the other hand
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, moving to an unfamiliar place can have a negative impact on
people
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’s mental health. When relocating to a new location, especially to a new country, job seekers might have to face culture shock, which can heavily impact their mind and their ability to work.
In addition
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, the enormous pressure from work and a lack of support from
people
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 close to them will lead to stress and feelings of loneliness.
For example
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, the suicide rates in South Korea and Japan are increasing at an alarming rate
due to
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 excessive workload. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 there are undeniable drawbacks to
people
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’s mental health when moving away from their friends and families to find a
career
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.
However
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, having a better
career
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 prospect and a higher income would be enough to outweigh the disadvantages.

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task achievement
Consider further developing your arguments with more specific examples to strengthen your points. This will provide a more comprehensive understanding for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and sentence structure to ensure clarity and precision in your writing.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded discussion on both the advantages and disadvantages of relocating for work, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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