IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Every day the epidemic of obesity in various regions disseminates at a high speed and causes devastating impacts on people’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and cultures.
This
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 issue needs to be tackled and
needed
Verb problem
apply
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solutions taken. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss possible variants, and find the most effective solutions.
To begin
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 with, the starting point of
this
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 issue is the development and distribution of the fast food industry. Every day, society buys tons of burgers pizza, and others, without expecting any consequences of it,
thus
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, the demand does not get lower.
Nevertheless
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, decreasing the number of sales, reaching a healthy lifestyle in social media, and creating more social programs to teach new generation meal habits, can be effective in dealing with
this
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 obstacle. It can be helpful, owing to human
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 when they see how others demonstrate
possible
Correct article usage
the possible
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 dangers of
this
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 disease and the experience they had.
For example
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, in countries
such
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 as Britain and Japan, people spread the sport industry by doing it together on the main streets,
while
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 in America, the only rising industry is fast food.
Secondly
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, the prices of fat-rich products are quite lower than those of meals with a higher nutritional value.
According to
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 my own experience, students can spend one-half of the healthy food price, eat up, and gain energy, which they can not have if they buy some vegetables.
Therefore
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, it is not convenient for people with narrow wallets to start eating recommended products. If the government takes some actions toward decreasing prices on nutrient meals, like how the Japanese have, we might get rid of the causes of obesity and increase life expectancy. In Japan, it is extremely important to eat enough vitamins and herbs to live longer, be a good fit, and look younger,
thus
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 they do not struggle with obesity. In conclusion, If those possible solutions are accepted, we might reach the results in the next 20 years or less. Citizens need to understand the value of their health and affection of being overweight in their everyday routine,
while
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 the government encourages all initiatives.

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task achievement
Try to ensure that your thesis statement more clearly presents the specific solutions you will discuss in the essay. This will improve the clarity of your introduction.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, ensure that each main point is supported by clear examples or evidence. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Improving the logical flow between sentences and ideas would greatly enhance the readability of your essay. Consider using more cohesive devices to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Be mindful of sentence structure and grammar to ensure clarity. Some sentences can be rephrased for better clarity and to avoid confusion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic of obesity and presents potential solutions, showing a good understanding of the issue.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples from different countries to illustrate your points, which adds depth to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • epidemic
  • balanced diet
  • nutritional labeling
  • public recreational spaces
  • community sports programs
  • food advertising regulations
  • medical professionals
  • workplace wellness programs
  • mental health support
  • sugary drinks tax
  • consumer choices
  • affordable and accessible
  • health organizations
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