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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Fast food is becoming one part of people’s daily life everywhere, and this has had negative effects on our lifestyle and diet. Do you agree with this statement?

#food #part #people’s #life #effects #lifestyle #diet
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In
this
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 contemporary era, every sphere of our life is changing dramatically, and
food
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 is no exception. It is undeniably true that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 international fast-
food
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culture
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 has become inseparable from everyone’s life and has had a detrimental effect
to
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on
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 our
food
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 habits and way of life. There are numerous side effects of junk
food
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culture
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.
Firstly
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,
is
Correct pronoun usage
there is
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 dangerous impact on people’s health. These
meals
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 are highly calorie contented and are rich in fat and salt which leads to obesity. As we know, obesity is the root cause of many other diseases
such
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 as cardiac failure and diabetes.
Moreover
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, children who are obese suffer from mobility and often fail to engage in sports and other activities which leads to mental distress and depression.
Secondly
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, the easy access and affordability of these
fast-
Correct your spelling
fast food
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food
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 often
prompts
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prompt
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 people to choose it over traditional
meals
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. People no longer wanted to cook. The art of cooking is fading gradually.
Additionally
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, unlike in olden times, people now often prefer having
food
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 alone rather than spending time together at the dining table for
meals
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.
This
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 is because fast
food
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 may not appeal to the elders as much,
they
Correct word choice
as they
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 do to
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
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 generation.
Whist
Correct your spelling
While
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 fast
food
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 is taking away our family traditions, it is
also
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 wiping out our country’s traditional
culture
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.
This
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 will one day lead to the disappearance of
nation’s
Correct article usage
the nation’s
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 identity.
Finally
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, fast
food
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 promotes use and throw
culture
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. These
meals
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 come in plastic containers which contribute to our growing garbage problem. Plastic being a non-degradable substance,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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to
Change preposition
on
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 our environment and on human beings.
To conclude
Linking Words
, fast
food
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 is definitely taking away our traditions and
culture
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 and for sure
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a negative impact on our diet habits and lifestyle.
Submitted by sajnamandothputhiyaveetil on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to enhance readability and cohesiveness. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
Task Response
Try to develop your paragraphs with more specific examples or data. This adds depth to your arguments and supports your main points more effectively.
General Advice
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and work on sentence variation to improve the overall flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider linking sentences within paragraphs more smoothly to improve the logical flow of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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