IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of 65 can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?

#life #improvements #health #people #age #lives #society #benefit #contribution
It is true that in our contemporary era, elderly
people
's health
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 dramatically improved
due to
 advancements in modern medicine.
For
this
 reason, many
people
 argue that
people
 over the age of 65 can lead vibrant and active lives .
Therefore
,
people
 believe that senior members of our
society
 can contribute significantly .
This
 essay will explore how old
people
 can be beneficial and provide relevant explanations.
To begin
 with ,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 can benefit their family. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
they can support and sustain them in complex situations.
For instance
 , when conflicts arise , they can relatively easily assemble them into one place
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
explain that family is valuable and give vital advice. Despite these , In some circumstances ,
such
 kind of method is less likely to be helpful as there are situations which can not be resolved .
Furthermore
 , If they interfere in their child's life , they can become even a burden . Another benefit of the older generation to our
society
 is their contribution to
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 economy.
People
 over the age of 60 tend to work and do not have a desire to resign.
For example
, in their workplace, they can teach our subsequent generation how to do their jobs more efficiently and explain what might happen for
bribe
Fix the agreement mistake
bribes
show examples
 and the consequences of their every action.
However
 , in some countries ,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of things did not prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
bribery and led to poverty.
Finally
 ,
society
 can receive constructive advice from their ancestors. For the reason that they are knowledgeable and have already experienced obstacles when they were young.
These knowledge
Change the determiner
This knowledge
show examples
 can help
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation to not repeat mistakes and
subsequently
 , they can learn how to address them if it is indeed. It can
therefore
 be concluded that the extended lifespan and improved health of older individuals can present numerous opportunities for them to continue making contributions by providing support and guidance , improving their country's economy and teaching how to address troubles. Doing so
society
 is unlikely to be adversely affected.
Submitted by ruznadir on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Content
To improve your task achievement score, ensure that your essay fully addresses the question asked, including all parts of the task. Each paragraph should contribute to answering the question, with a focus on how society can benefit from older people's contributions. Consider expanding on specific, tangible benefits to society, beyond family and economic contributions.
Content
For clearer and more comprehensive ideas, make sure to elaborate on your points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. Each idea you introduce should be fully explored, perhaps by adding more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments.
Content
To increase the relevance and specificity of your examples, aim to include real-world scenarios or data that directly support your arguments. Avoid hypothetical or vague examples, instead opting for precise and demonstrable instances that clearly illustrate your points.
Structure
Enhance the logical structure of your essay by ensuring a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be logically connected to the others, leading the reader smoothly through your argument. A clearer structure also includes effective paragraphing and use of linking words.
Structure
To ensure your essay includes an effective introduction and conclusion, your introduction should clearly present the topic and outline your argument, while your conclusion should summarize the points made and restate your main argument in light of the evidence provided. Ensure both are present and clearly articulate your stance on the issue.
Structure
Support your main points with more developed arguments and examples. Each paragraph should center on a single main idea, which should be supported by relevant examples or evidence. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: