In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population.
Indeed, these days
people
, especially in the
developed countries, live much longer than before, Correct article usage
apply
for instance
even 10 years ago. It leads to some challenges for them and for the society.
The biggest problems
is Fix the agreement mistake
problem
health
, of course. There is no one reason why long
Correct article usage
a long
life
means good health
, just the opposite, health
issues are raising
with Correct your spelling
rising
the
Correct article usage
apply
age
. According to
statistics from different research, the most common of them are brain diseases and disabilities. Aging
Change the spelling
Ageing
people
, their families and relatives should put up with this
fact.
The other problem is aging people
employment. Every country tries to increase Change noun form
people's
a
retirement Correct article usage
the
age
, moreover
, it is not a secret that even in developed countries we have age
discrimination, though they are working on it. And this
problem from
the one hand makes it difficult for the old employers Change preposition
on
get
a good position, Fix the infinitive
to get
from
the other hand, most of them would rather Change preposition
on
to
have some rest from the job, Remove the marker
apply
finally
enjoying life
, traveling
, and gathering, Change the spelling
travelling
for example
.
This
statement drove us to the next problem – money
. Having more life
years people
need more money
, if
the old days Change preposition
In
people
could buy the most important things for their retirement, now they can not do this
, because they live longer, so they need more things, more care, more treatment, and more money
, of course.
Obviously, when we know, we can take them down. First of all, in my opinion, it is importantly
to explain these Replace the adverb
important
problems
to people
since their young age
, to prepare them for the old age
in the different ways, such
as preventing health
problems
through nutrition, mental health
, physical activities and sport. Besides
, they can study how to operate with money
, in addition
how
to invest Change preposition
to how
money
and get profits from it.
Governments can bring this
function to themselves, organize
Wrong verb form
organising
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
programs
, Change preposition
of programs
activities
for Correct word choice
and activities
the
different groups of Correct article usage
apply
people
. If employers think about getting benefits from the oldest people
at work, they will find some ways for it. These ways could help with the employment problems
.
In conclusion, I would say that even though we have these aging
Change the spelling
ageing
problems
it is much better to decide them
and live longer, and everyone is responsible for the quality of his or Change preposition
on them
she
Correct pronoun usage
her
life
Replace the word
live
at
Change preposition
in
the
old Correct article usage
apply
age
.
I would like to add, that if there is an opportunity to meet in person at
14:00 March, 6th, it would be great.Change preposition
on
Submitted by yarinka13 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a logical structure. Start with an introduction that presents the topic and your thesis, follow with body paragraphs that each discuss a distinct issue or perspective, and conclude by summarizing your points and restating your stance. Your essay partially achieves this, but refining the transitions and connections between paragraphs could enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be stronger. In the introduction, explicitly state the problems and suggestions you will discuss. In the conclusion, succinctly recap your discussions and the measures proposed, reinforcing your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Continue to support your main points with examples or evidence. You've started to do this, but adding more specific, real-world examples or data could strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Ensure you fully respond to all parts of the task. You've identified problems and suggested measures, which is good. However, delve deeper into how these measures could specifically address the problems mentioned, and possibly introduce more innovative solutions.
Task Achievement
Work on presenting clearer and more comprehensive ideas. This includes expanding on your points with more detail and analysis, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, and avoiding overly general statements without backing them up.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to support your points. While some examples or references to research are included, making them more precise and varied could improve the persuasiveness and completeness of your response.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.