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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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One of the most prevalent trends in the contemporary world is the cumulative increase in stress by their guardians to reach their children's goals.
While
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 some people argue that increased competition creates depression,
while
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 others believe that they can achieve goals with hard work. Both sides of
this
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 topic will be carefully analysed before constructing an inference. On one hand, creating pressure on children is harmful to their mental health. The main factor is some student’s learning is below an average level, in that situation, it is not possible to achieve the task as per their level of knowledge. Another reason is that they may distract from their goal and follow the task given by their well-wishers.
For example
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, every parent wants their adults to become intelligent, bureaucrats or successful businessmen.
As a result
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, it is evident that when they choose the hard topic it becomes unachievable for them and they perform suicide.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, student age is unmatured, when it comes to making decisions about their work and targets. The primary reason is if parents advise their adults to choose a good course where they can make their lives better.
In addition
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, they can dedicate their time and skills to meet their goal
due to
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 having sufficient time.
For instance
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, they do not have family burdens and money-related issues and keep concentrating on their targets.
As a consequence
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, it is apparent why rich people’s children are mostly successful in their careers. In conclusion, following the analysis of both sides of the given essay,
it is clear that
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 excess workload put on students can lead to depression,
however
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, if the right advice is given to the child, they may become a successful person.
Further
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, it is predicted that
this
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 development is going to continue in future as well.

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structure
Refine your essay structure by ensuring a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should present your topic and outline your main points. Each body paragraph should focus on a single main point, supported by examples or evidence, and your conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your position.
clarity
Clarify your thesis statement. A clear thesis statement in your introduction will guide the reader through your argument and make your position on the question clear.
cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, making your essay more cohesive. Examples include 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' 'however,' and 'in conclusion.'
idea development
Focus on developing clear and comprehensive ideas within each paragraph. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by detailed examples and explanations. Avoid overgeneralization and provide specific examples to substantiate your points.
relevance
Ensure relevance by sticking closely to the prompt. Each paragraph should directly address aspects of the prompt, using examples and explanations that relate directly to the advantages and disadvantages discussed.
grammar
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and ensure proper sentence structure. Correct use of punctuation, verb tense consistency, and vocabulary make your argument more persuasive and your writing easier to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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