IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

with the increased global demand in oil and gas, undiscovered areas of the world should be opened up to access more recources. to what extend do you agree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The world is becoming more dependent towards commodities that produce
energy
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
oil
Use synonyms
 and
gas
Use synonyms
. To meet the increasing demands, it is often suggested that untouched areas should be explored to exploit the resources beneath them,
however
Linking Words
, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 suggestion. First and foremost, digging
oil
Use synonyms
 and
gas
Use synonyms
 is the background of many ecological disasters and those activities have caused the rise of climate change. To illustrate, the city of Dumai in Indonesia is located in an area
that is
Linking Words
 abundant in natural
oil
Use synonyms
, the exploitation of their resources has destroyed the wild forest in Dumai, resulting in the lack of oxygen and the death of countless lives. Taking note of that example, opening up undiscovered areas with the mission of producing more commodities will only exacerbate the problem and destroy our planet even
further
Linking Words
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, technologies have allowed industries and factories to replace traditional
energy
Use synonyms
 sources with cleaner energies to support the green transition.
For example
Linking Words
, vehicles can now run on electricity, reducing their need for
gas
Use synonyms
 exploitation.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, as our society is shifting into the new age of
energy
Use synonyms
, the demand for traditional commodities will naturally fall as people become more aware of the destruction they bring.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, undiscovered positions can be preserved and left untouched as their natural resources are no longer needed.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I disagree with the notion of opening unknown areas to take up their natural endowment.
Oil
Use synonyms
 and
gas
Use synonyms
 exploitation is known to bring destructive changes to our environment and nowadays, cleaner
energy
Use synonyms
 sources are available for mankind.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement score, ensure that you address all parts of the task more directly. While you have presented a clear stance, expanding on the global context and discussing potential counterarguments could enrich your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, work on the logical flow between ideas. Use more varied transitional phrases to enhance the connectivity between paragraphs. Additionally, organizing your essay into clear, distinct paragraphs for each main point can boost readability and structure.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: