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Band 5.5

prisons are an expensive way of making bad people worse to what extent do you agree or disagree

#prisons #people
The question of whether elderly individuals ought to be taken
care
 of by the authorities has prompted a substantial debate.
While many
Correct word choice
Many
show examples
 champion
this
, which from my perspective is the right thing, because the constitution mandates it, and they paid
taxes
 during their labour days. Others contend against
this
 idea. Analyzing
this
 factuality will give a comprehensive understanding of
this
 subject matter.
Firstly
,
this
 is actually their constitutional right so should be upheld.
For example
, in Nigeria, old people are seen on the street begging because
leaders
 embezzled all the funds meant to take
care
 of the aged, which is against the law. Obviously, the elderly citizens would have been well taken
care
 of if not for the corrupt
leaders
.
Thus
, it is the government's responsibility to cater for the retired folks and should be implemented.
Secondly
. they
also
 paid
taxes
 to the authorities when they were still strong.
For instance
, Anambra state has the most effective operating system, because everyone that paid
taxes
 is completely catered for at retirement. Clearly, the state will not be able to function if people do not pay
taxes
 and the
leaders
 keep to their obligations.
Hence
, the
leaders
 should assume the complete responsibility of the retired group. In my opinion, the
leaders
 are obligated as per the constitutional law and by virtue of receiving tax contributions when they are young. In conclusion, the argument that the government ought to take
care
 of retired folks has sparked a considerable dispute.
Although
 some advocate for
this
, which in my opinion is better
due to
 the law mandates it and that the elderly pay
taxes
while
 they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 working. Others challenge
this
 notion. examining
this
 fact has proved that it is the responsibility of the
leaders
 to cater for the retired citizens.
Submitted by Eby on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the topic from the outset. In this case, the introduction should clearly state your stance on the specific topic about prisons rather than introducing a different subject. This aligns with task response and guarantees that your response is deemed complete and relevant.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop clear and distinct paragraphs, each focused on a specific idea or argument related to the topic. It's crucial that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that signals to the reader what the paragraph will discuss. This will enhance the logical flow and structure of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. This would not only improve the flow of the essay but also make your argumentation more persuasive and coherent. Examples include 'furthermore', 'in addition', 'however', and 'on the other hand'.
Task Achievement
To strengthen task achievement, make sure all parts of the prompt are addressed fully with comprehensive ideas supported by specific examples. Consider discussing both viewpoints, if applicable, before presenting your own opinion in a balanced and well-argued manner.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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