IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

• What are the benefits and problems involved in introducing compulsory sport in schools throughout your country?

#sport #schools #country
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There has been an ongoing debate whether
schools
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 should introduce mandatory
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sport
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sports
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 activities across my
contry
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country
. The benefits associated with
this
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 decision are linked to several downsides, as I will describe in
this
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 essay, and I will highlight the benefits of it. The
downsides
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downside
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 of introducing compulsory
sports
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 in
schools
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is
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are
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 the limitation in personal choice as to
wheather
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whether
 the preferred
sport
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 should be set for each individual. By introducing mandatory
sports
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, the educational system often chooses
an
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a
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 unique
sport
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thus
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 limiting the preferences of each student in their decision.
Thus
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,
students
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 who are more apt in
sports
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 based on team games might be forced to perform
sports
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 that are based on individual
perfomances
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performances
performance
,
therefore
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 ignoring their attitude.
For example
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, compulsory educational programs often include
long distance
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long-distance
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 running at a
disadvatage
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disadvantage
 of team
sports
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,
such
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 as volleyball or
basketaball
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basketball
, which in turn limits the personal expression of
students
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 who are prone to sociable activities.
Although
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 imposing
an
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a
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 unique
sport
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 may create several disadvantages,
by
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apply
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introducing compulsory
sports
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 can contribute
the
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to the
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 well-being of the
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schools'
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school's
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 pupils.
Overall
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, regularly
practicing
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practising
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sports
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 improves the lifestyle of young people, supporting them to perform activities which are physically beneficial.
This
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 is the reason why, by undertaking a
regaular
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regular
 physical
excercise
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exercise
 at school, can establish a routine and enhance the student's mental well-being too. Research has demonstrated that including
sports
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 on a daily basis can improve
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students
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students'
student's
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 performance not only physically but
also
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 in the study outcome. In conclusion, the introduction of compulsory physical activity in
schools
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has
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have
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has
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 positive effects
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on the
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the
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on the
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student's
students'
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students
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students'
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 well-being;
however
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,
this
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 is far from being painless since forcing all
students
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perfoming
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performing
 the same activity can limit them in their personal
preseferences
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preferences
. In order to palliate the downsides, I suggest
to tailor
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tailoring
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 the
sports
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 to each student individually.
Submitted by g.marta2013 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view on the benefits and drawbacks of compulsory sports in schools. However, you could enhance your essay by providing concrete examples or statistical data to support your arguments. Try to incorporate studies or real-life scenarios that exemplify the benefits or problems you mention.
Coherence & Cohesion
Though your essay has a basic structure, it lacks a strong and clear introduction that states your main argument or perspective. Ensure your introduction briefly outlines the points you will discuss. Similarly, make sure your conclusion summarises your main points and restates your stance, providing a clear closure.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your essay maintains a logical order, it can benefit from stronger transitions between paragraphs and within them. Use phrases like 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore,' or 'As a result' to create smoother connections. Also, vary your sentence structures to improve readability and flow.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory sport
  • physical health
  • obesity
  • discipline
  • teamwork
  • screen time
  • outdoor activities
  • stress and anxiety
  • non-athletic
  • resource allocation
  • academic subjects
  • possibility of injuries
  • implementing
  • safety measures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: