IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar; which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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The prevalence of high
sugar
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 content in various manufactured drinks and
products
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 has raised concerns about its major impact on public
health
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. Some propose that increasing the
prices
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 of sugary
products
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 could encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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.
However
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, I disagree with
this
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 approach, as it may not effectively reduce their
consumption
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.
To begin
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 with, the addictive nature of
sugar
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 content makes it challenging for
people
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 to cut down on their
consumption
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 nearly based on higher
prices
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. It is difficult to resist the urge and craving when
people
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 are accustomed to consuming
sugar
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.
Consequently
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, they may be willing to pay more to satisfy their
sugar
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 cravings even if it means cutting back on other essential expenses.
Thus
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, a price increase may not be a strong deterrent for those already reliant on sugary
products
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.
Secondly
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, increasing the price of sugary
products
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 may affect low-income
people
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. As
prices
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 rise, those with limited financial resources might struggle to afford healthier alternatives or maintain their current dietary habits.
This
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 can lead to a situation, where
people
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 from disadvantaged backgrounds are more likely to continue consuming sugary
products
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, despite the price increases, exacerbating existing
health
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 problems. I believe a more effective solution to
this
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 issue is raising public awareness and educating them about the
health
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 risks associated with high
sugar
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 intake. By empowering them with knowledge, they can make informed choices about their dietary habits and gradually reduce their
sugar
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consumption
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. In conclusion, increasing the
prices
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 of sugary
products
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 to address the
health
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 concerns related to
sugar
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consumption
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 may not be the most suitable approach. The addictive nature of
sugar
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 and its impact on low-income households could limit the effectiveness of
such
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 a measure.
Instead
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, focusing on education and awareness can help
people
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 make healthier choices and improve public outcomes.
Submitted by ayeshaf1339 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and develops an argument against the proposed measure. To improve task response, ensure your essay more directly addresses the prompt by providing specific examples or data to support your arguments. This could include statistics on sugar addiction, economic studies on how price increases affect consumption, or real-life examples of successful public health campaigns.
coherence cohesion
Your essay benefits from a logical structure and clear progression of ideas, which aids in its coherence. To enhance cohesion, consider the use of more varied linking devices and transitional phrases to smoothly connect your ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring a balanced approach by briefly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint before presenting your rebuttal can further strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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