IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

It is true that in our contemporary era, celebrities receive too much attention from
Use synonyms
media
Correct article usage
the media
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.
For
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this
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 reason, some
people
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 argue that
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this phenomena
Change the determiner
this phenomenon
these phenomena
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 has
detrimental
Add an article
a detrimental
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 impact on
children
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 ,
while
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 others believe that It can be beneficial in many cases . In
this
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 essay , I will explicate both stances before presenting my consensus on the latter view. On the one hand, in some circumstances , It can adversely affect
children
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. Since , adolescents tend to compete with each other , especially when It comes to football players.
For instance
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 , It can be seen everywhere how
children
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 are debating who is better Ronaldo or Messi and causing rivalries among them.
Nevertheless
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, the public in many situations
try
Change the verb form
tries
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 to encourage them to be a community by illustrating how famous
people
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 respect each other.
This
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 factor can be valuable as
It is
Verb problem
it
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transforming
Wrong verb form
transforms
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 them into a more friendly society .
On the other hand
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 , the
media
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 coverage of icons
have
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has
show examples
 some benefits. Young
people
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 can gain some motivation and inspiration by observing high-profile
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
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 accomplishments.
For instance
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 ,
Correct article usage
the
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media
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 mostly shows how celebrities
achieved
Wrong verb form
achieve
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 their goals in the face of pressure from others.
Such
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 kind of news generally
trigger
Change the verb form
triggers
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 inspiration and a desire to work hard on themselves. A good example of
this
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 is a Japanese youngster who was motivated by Cristiano Ronaldo
,
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apply
show examples
when everyone was humiliating him . After 4 years,
this
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 player
have
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has
show examples
 become one of the best in Japan and
furthermore
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 , now he plays a pivotal role in his team. Despite all these advantages , sometimes, the
media
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 shows inappropriate things about famous
people
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 .
For example
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 , the public recently
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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showed Dani Alves who was accused of vandalism. It can
therefore
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 be concluded that
media
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 coverage of stars can have positive and negative influence on young
children
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 simultaneously.
However
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 , I vehemently disagree that It has
more
Add an article
a more
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 adverse effect on
children
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 as
Use synonyms
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 tend to publish things which
inspires
Correct subject-verb agreement
inspire
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 our young generation.

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Structure
Ensure a clear structure for your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea.
Support
Support your arguments with specific examples and explanations to strengthen your points and make them more convincing.
Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link your ideas and paragraphs smoothly. This includes using conjunctions, transitional phrases, and referencing words effectively.
Task Response
Address the prompt directly and ensure that you provide a clear opinion on the topic. The reader should understand your stance and the reasons behind it from the outset.
Grammar and Punctuation
Proofread your essay for grammatical and punctuation errors to enhance clarity and professionalism.
Development
Expand on your examples and explain more thoroughly how they support your argument. This will make your essay more compelling and persuasive.
Vocabulary
Be cautious with repetitive language and try to utilize a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas. Rich linguistic variety can significantly improve the quality of your essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Celebrity culture
  • Glamorization
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Self-esteem
  • Scandals
  • Role models
  • Moral development
  • Mental health
  • Influence
  • Exposure
  • Social media platforms
  • Charity work
  • Inappropriate behavior
  • Perfection image
  • Negative impact
  • Inspire children
What to do next:
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