Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
A group of communities present the view that if offspring are able to opt for their daily necessities
such
as food, clothes and entertainment, they will be an arrogant and self-centred nation in the future. However
, others believe that it is crucial for offspring to make decisions about everything which has an impact on them. I strongly agree with the latter opinion and my reasons will be given in the following paragraphs.
On the one hand, some societies justifiably argue that independent offspring are more beneficial to their communities as they can handle problems more effectively. From a psychological standpoint, individuals who were more dependent on their parents during childhood may easily be discouraged from combating life difficulties due to
a lack of confidence. This
can result in a society with the
population that fails to work properly and efficiently. Correct article usage
a
Furthermore
, research findings confirm that making decisions independently enables offspring to develop critical and creative thinking. Consequently
, the public becomes capable of facing challenging situations. For example
, in Japan, offspring are educated to make options about their clothes shapes and colours on their own. As a result
of this
education, Japanese adults are able to make decisive decisions in their personal and professional lives.
On the other hand
, another group of communities claim that offspring’s alternative should be restricted. They firmly insist that finding independence during childhood leads to the upbringing of a community that only cares about their
own desires. Correct pronoun usage
its
However
, I do not find this
argument convincing as offspring who are too reliant on their parents are more likely to experience various failures in their lives. For example
, in Iran, offspring are confined to their parents’ attitudes and when they become older cannot live their lives independently.
In conclusion, in my view, the independent option makes offspring more confident and helps them develop critical and creative thinking. Moreover
, dependency may cause constant failures in daily life.Submitted by 11E4 Community on
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coherence cohesion
Be consistent with your terminology. Switching between 'offspring' and 'children' can be confusing for the reader. Pick one term and use it consistently to improve clarity.
task achievement
Your introduction provided a clear overview of the topic, which is good. However, you could make your stance even more explicit by briefly indicating the reasons for your opinion. This helps set the stage for your argument and engages the reader.
coherence cohesion
Overall, your essay is well-structured, but you could enhance coherence by improving transitions between paragraphs. Phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are good, but adding more varied transitional expressions would make your essay flow better.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points. While you mentioned Japan and Iran, elaborating on these examples with more specific details and outcomes would strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with the choice of words. 'Offspring' usually refers to animals or sometimes in a very formal context for humans. Using 'children' or 'young people' would be more appropriate and relatable in this context.