Some people think that the best way to succeed is to get a university education, while others disagree and say that it is no longer true nowadays. Discuss both views and give your own opinions.
There are opposite views that in order to be successful, higher
education
is not necessary. While
it is true in some cases, I still think that studying in
Change preposition
at
university
benefits more in terms of being reassured to acquire proper-paid jobs.
On the first
side, the qualifications to obtain a higher degree Correct word choice
other
is
no longer mandatory in certain successful jobs. Take, Correct subject-verb agreement
are
for example
, occupations like TikTok reviewers or Instagram artists that
make millions of income from product endorsements. Without any specific Correct pronoun usage
who
bachelor
or master’s degree, they only need advanced Change noun form
bachelor's
communcation
skills and creative thinking to enhance their audience’s engagement on their platform, Correct your spelling
communication
thus
show
their Wrong verb form
showing
effectivity
in boosting the profits from the endorsed products, and in return Replace the word
effectiveness
increase
their payment rates. Even though higher Wrong verb form
increasing
education
is not necessary for those kinds of job
, I still do not think Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
that is
a wise idea because it can restrain the opportunity to learn about another knowledge and perspective.
In contrast
, completing education
in
the Change preposition
at
university
levels
brings vast Fix the agreement mistake
level
opportunity
to get high-paid Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
works
. It is undeniable Fix the agreement mistake
work
if
several universities already have a particular network with some big companies to send their graduates Correct word choice
that
for working
there. Change preposition
to work
For instance
, almost all students in MNC University
have been assured to work in MNC Group by Hary Tanoesoedibjo upon their study completion. Similar
case Add an article
A similar
also
occured
in Telkom Group, which absorbs 90% of its total workers from Correct your spelling
occurred
his
associated Correct pronoun usage
its
university
, Telkom University
. Unlike Instagram artists or TikTok reviewers that
have to set their payment Correct pronoun usage
who
in
the lowest rate Change preposition
at
on
their early career, people in these groups already receive a high amount of wages at the beginning of their work time. From that phenomenon, I am more agree with Change preposition
in
this
side since studying in higher education
heightened the likelihood to have
a stable financial condition for living.
Change preposition
of having
To conclude
, despite having special degrees from the
higher Correct article usage
apply
education
institutions still make
people Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
success
, I believe that studying in that place is more Replace the word
successful
worthy
because it can lead people to have Replace the word
worthwhile
a
Correct article usage
apply
job
with adequate and proper salaries.Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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Structure
Introduction: Aim to clearly state both perspectives discussed and your own stance. This will prepare the reader for your arguments.
Coherence
Paragraphing: While you've separated the essay into clear paragraphs, ensure each has a clear main idea and supports your overall argument cohesively.
Language
Cohesion: Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs. Experiment with synonyms for common words you use often to enhance variety in your language.
Content
Task Response: Clearly respond to all parts of the prompt. You've effectively discussed both views and given your opinion, but aim to explore each viewpoint in equal depth to improve balance.
Support
Examples: Continue using relevant and specific examples to support your points as this strengthens your arguments. Also, consider how you can tie these examples more directly to the question being asked.
Conclusion
Conclusion: Reinforce your personal stance in the conclusion, summarizing how it compares to the other viewpoints discussed. Guarantee this summarizes the discussion without adding new information.
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