IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

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Smoking in outdoor areas should be prevented by the laws. Numerous nations accept
this
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 concept,
as well as
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 I fully agree with
this
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 reason I will illustrate my perspective in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
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, there is a lot of research which confirms smoking is very dangerous for our health, it
also
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 causes several illnesses in the human body.
Therefore
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, it is crucial to have a law in order to prohibit smoking in indoor fields and protect non-smokers from smoking. To resolve
this
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 problem, I would like to suggest that the government or company should provide specific places for smokers.
For example
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, Some financial companies were designing and creating special spaces for workers who wanted to smoke after lunch. In
this
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 way, the company can support smokers and protect non-smokers simultaneously.
Secondly
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, there are a multitude of negative aspects involved in smoking inside the building. One of the significant problems is air ventilation. The room inside the building has to run the process of ventilation in order to kill some diseases and protect the room from humidity.
This
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 is a good environment that every building should create for workers.
For instance
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, Some governments in Europe hire designers to construct buildings which pay more attention to the ventilation process.
This
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 is an example of a government that concentrates on a great environment.
As a result
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,
this
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 way not only brought more benefits to The country but to the whole globe. In conclusion, Every country should have laws preventing smoking inside buildings and protecting non-smokers from the effects of smoking. My recommendation is the government or company should provide suitable specific areas for smokers.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay lacks clarity in terms of logical structure. The ideas are presented, but the transitions between them can be disjointed, making the argument hard to follow. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and conclude it by linking smoothly to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effective. The introduction should clearly state your position, while the conclusion should summarize your argument. Both should align closely with the content of your body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Provide more support for your main points. You've briefly mentioned research and governmental actions, but these need to be elaborated upon and directly related to the question prompt.
task achievement
While you've addressed the topic, your response doesn't cover all aspects of the prompt. Make sure to fully develop your argument and discuss both sides if applicable. Being explicit and direct about your agreement or disagreement will strengthen your position.
task achievement
Your ideas could be more clearly and comprehensively expressed. Strive for a balance between broad statements and specific, detailed assertions. Ensure that your argument is well thought out and that each point progresses logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Use relevant examples to support your perspective. While you've mentioned some, they could be more detailed and clearly related to the key issue discussed. Examples are critical as they provide concrete evidence for your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • secondhand smoke
  • respiratory problems
  • cardiovascular disease
  • clean air
  • public health
  • hospital admissions
  • economic benefits
  • smoking cessation
  • cultural shift
  • healthcare costs
  • smoke-free laws
  • enforcement
  • designated smoking areas
  • compliance
  • social attitudes
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