IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, a large amount of advertising is aimed at children, so some people think there are lots of negative effects on children, and should ban it. To what extent you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #people #lots #effects #ban
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Children
Use synonyms
 are future leaders of our society.
Hence
Linking Words
 everyone has
Correct article usage
the responsiblity
show examples
responsiblity
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 on their shoulders to teach good things and keep them healthy.
However
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, nowadays
advertisements
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 are
aiming
Wrong verb form
aimed
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
 for their profit sake.
This
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 essay will discuss the negative impacts of
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 on
children
Use synonyms
 and provide
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 concluding view. Nowadays
Advertisements
Use synonyms
 are aiming the
children
Use synonyms
 to maximize their profit margin because they are their easy targets.
However
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, there are several disadvantages behind these
advertisements
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such
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 as spoiling the
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health , misguding or misrepresentation of social norms and reducing their ability
of judging
Replace the preposition
to judge
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. When it comes to
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health,
advertisements
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showing
Wrong verb form
show
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 fantasy things rather than showing the actual effect on
human
Add an article
the human
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 body which leads to serious
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
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 diseases in the early stage.
Futher
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
advertisements
Use synonyms
 are influencing the kids and changing their behaviours which is not remmondeable since it would collapse the social structures. I strongly recommend
to ban
Change the verb form
banning
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
aiming
Wrong verb form
aimed
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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, especially
whoever
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 below 5 years old. Because they would
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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easily get attracted to the products
whichever promoting
Wrong verb form
that are promoted
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 through the media and consume those food products without knowing the actual consequences.
Further
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,
advertisements
Use synonyms
showing
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 different
set
Fix the agreement mistake
sets
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 of behaviours and
children
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 are not in the position to judge and understand the correct social norms.
Further
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, large amounts of
advertisements
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 ultimately affect their intellectual skills and ability
of judging
Replace the preposition
to judge
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
things.
Therefore
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,
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
 set of restrictions should be applied
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the advertisement to streamline it. In conclusion, the parents should take care of their
children
Use synonyms
 from these
profit oriented
Add a hyphen
profit-oriented
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
.
Further
Linking Words
, there should be strict rules and regulations followed by
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 sector to minimize the effects of
advertisements
Use synonyms
 on the
children
Use synonyms
 to ensure the future of our society.
Submitted by thatchayini1994 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your argument is directly related to the question throughout your essay. While you provided a general discussion on the topic, including more specific examples and a variety of arguments would strengthen your position. Aim for a balanced argument by discussing both sides of the issue, even if you choose to argue more strongly for one side.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on linking your ideas more clearly. Use a range of linking words and phrases to show relationships between ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within a paragraph are clearly related. Consider also varying your sentence structures to enhance the flow of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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