IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some high schools part of the curriculum requires students to participate in community work such as helping the elderly or disabled. In what way do children get benefits from this? Do you think it should be part of the curriculum?

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Some institutions, require secondary school students to help vulnerable society
such
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 as persons with disability and old people.
This
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 essay will discuss how volunteering can help kids boost their confidence and be more compassionate. And that should be included in their course because it can help them become a good member of society.
To begin
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 with, exposing children to
community
Use synonyms
 work can boost their confidence. Knowing that they were able to make a difference in society can give them a sense of accomplishment.
In addition
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, it can
also
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 enhance their compassion. Through
this
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, they will have a deeper understanding of the situation of elders and the challenges of people with disability.
This
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 can inspire them to support those individuals who are in need.
For instance
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, in the US, most students who participated in charity work have
also
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 encouraged their parents to get involved. And they have one of the highest numbers of charity workers in the world.
Furthermore
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, I think that including
community
Use synonyms
 service in the school curriculum can help children become good citizens.
This
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 can teach them the value of helping other people who are in need, and learn and understand life better.
For example
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, the individuals they encountered during their volunteering who became disabled
due to
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 their dangerous activities can become their inspiration to refrain from doing
such
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 things.
Thus
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, if they have consistent exposure to charity work, it will help them become a better person. In conclusion,
community
Use synonyms
 service can foster compassion and increase the confidence of high school students.
Thus
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, including it in their curriculum can give them consistent exposure which can inspire them to become a better member of the
community
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction
Your introduction sets a clear premise for the discussion, but be careful with repetition and aim for more precise language. Try incorporating a more definite thesis statement that directly addresses both parts of the question.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good logical structure, but work on making transitions between paragraphs smoother for enhanced readability. Consider using more varied transitional phrases.
Task Achievement
The essay consistently addresses the task, yet you could improve by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Broad statements like 'In the US, most students...' need data or references to strengthen the claim.
Coherence & Cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, consider introducing a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure that every paragraph is clearly tied back to the main topic of the essay.
Conclusion
Ensure that the conclusions you draw are fully supported by the preceding paragraphs, and reiterate your main points more explicitly in the conclusion to strengthen it.
Grammar
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and strive for variety in sentence structure to enhance the overall readability.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • empathy
  • emotional intelligence
  • civic responsibility
  • community awareness
  • lifelong commitment
  • valuable life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • time management
  • real-world scenarios
  • boosts self-esteem
  • sense of accomplishment
  • expands worldview
  • promotes inclusion
  • diverse groups
  • open-minded
  • culture of tolerance
  • respect
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