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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In recent years, the number of crimes comitted by young people in majoe cities throughout the world is increasing. discuss this issue. give reasons and suggest some solutions.

#years #crimes #people #majoe #cities #world
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Crime is a deep-rooted
issue
 that plagues many countries around the globe. In
the
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recent years, the amount of crime has been on the rise, causing widespread concern among policymakers and the public alike and to make it worse, nowadays there are a lot of
youngsters
 that become perpetrators. The group of people that are supposed to continue the success of the nation commit
crimes
 at
such
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age. Looking deeper
in
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into
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 my nation, Indonesia, there are a lot of
crimes
,
for
example
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example,
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cyber bullying
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cyberbullying
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, wild racing and street robbery
,
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are
Correct pronoun usage
which are
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 mostly done by
youngsters
 underage. I will explore
more
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why
youngsters
 commit
crimes
 and suggest some potential
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
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 to tackle
this
issue
 in the upcoming paragraphs. There are several factors that trigger
this
issue
.
To begin
 with, economic problems,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
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 poverty and unemployment are key factors that drive people to commit
crimes
. Individuals who are unable to make ends meet through legitimate means often resort to illegal activities to support themselves and their families. Countries with higher poverty rates tend to have higher crime rates.
Secondly
, promiscuity
also
 plays a significant role in
this
issue
. No matter how behave
youngsters
 are in their home,
but
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when they are outside without control from their parents, there are possibilities for them to join and follow
the
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unhealthy societies. Wild racing, bullying or
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
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cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
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, street robbery, free sex, drug addiction and alcoholism are
the
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example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
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 of
crimes
 caused by promiscuity
Submitted by myra.wirawan on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay, focus on establishing a more structured logical flow between paragraphs. Your ideas should smoothly transition from one to the next, clearly linking them through proper use of transitional phrases or sentences.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened by clearly restating the problem and summarizing your arguments more succinctly in the conclusion. It helps solidify your position and provides a strong finish to your essay.
coherence cohesion
To improve your score, ensure that your main points are supported by more detailed examples or explanations. This deepens the reader's understanding and strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Your essay partially fulfills the task by discussing reasons behind youth crime and suggesting solutions. To improve, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the prompt by offering more detailed solutions and explicitly linking them to the discussed reasons.
task achievement
Make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive by expanding on them with specific, relevant details. This can be achieved by including more examples from a broad perspective or citing studies/reports to back up your arguments.
task achievement
Use specific, relevant examples to illustrate your points. While you mention examples specific to Indonesia, adding comparative examples from other contexts could enrich your argument and demonstrate a wider understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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