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Band 8

Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. Discuss both views and your opinion.

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Nowadays,
whereas
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 more and more people are considering that teaching computer technology and
science
Use synonyms
 at schools is much more important than
music
Use synonyms
, others feel that
music
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 is
also
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 an essential part of a school curriculum. Admittedly, in the technological era, it is highly demanded to learn computer programs
as well as
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 scientific
subjects
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such
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 as astronomy, physics, chemistry and so on because every employee should be aware of using a computer or have ample knowledge of
science
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.
As a result
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 of
this
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, it is possible for workers to get promotions easily and quickly. That's why in most schools, it is compulsory to educate pupils on these
subjects
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 so that they can provide organisations or companies with professional employees. In Japan,
for instance
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, pupils have to create something new based on technology or
science
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 before finishing school.
Otherwise
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, they can not get any qualifications or diplomas from their schools. When it comes to
music
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, it is
also
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 necessary to improve teenagers' cognitive development and get some kind of relaxation among other academic
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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,
music
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 should not be removed from school
subjects
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 as it is a therapy for pupils and students in order to concentrate on anything they want to learn. As an example of
this
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 view, in ancient Sparta, boys were taught
music
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 and poetry to enhance their loyalty to their own country and encourage them to defend their motherland.
That is
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 why there is a special song in every army throughout the world.
For
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this
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 reason,
music
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 has a crucial role in forming social and emotional skills among youngsters. In conclusion,
while
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 most individuals find computers and
science
Use synonyms
 more useful than
music
Use synonyms
 these days, I strongly believe that it would be better to keep a balance in teaching both of them.

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task achievement
Make sure to directly address the question prompt in your introduction and conclusion. Your opinion should be explicitly stated to ensure full task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to smoothly connect ideas and paragraphs for even better coherence.
task achievement
Consider adding a short rebuttal or contrasting sentence to paragraphs discussing opposing views to strengthen your argument and demonstrate higher-level analytical skills.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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