IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. Discuss both views and your opinion.

Nowadays,
whereas
Linking Words
 more and more people are considering that teaching computer technology and
science
Use synonyms
 at schools is much more important than
music
Use synonyms
, others feel that
music
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 an essential part of a school curriculum. Admittedly, in the technological era, it is highly demanded to learn computer programs
as well as
Linking Words
 scientific
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as astronomy, physics, chemistry and so on because every employee should be aware of using a computer or have ample knowledge of
science
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, it is possible for workers to get promotions easily and quickly. That's why in most schools, it is compulsory to educate pupils on these
subjects
Use synonyms
 so that they can provide organisations or companies with professional employees. In Japan,
for instance
Linking Words
, pupils have to create something new based on technology or
science
Use synonyms
 before finishing school.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, they can not get any qualifications or diplomas from their schools. When it comes to
music
Use synonyms
, it is
also
Linking Words
 necessary to improve teenagers' cognitive development and get some kind of relaxation among other academic
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
 should not be removed from school
subjects
Use synonyms
 as it is a therapy for pupils and students in order to concentrate on anything they want to learn. As an example of
this
Linking Words
 view, in ancient Sparta, boys were taught
music
Use synonyms
 and poetry to enhance their loyalty to their own country and encourage them to defend their motherland.
That is
Linking Words
 why there is a special song in every army throughout the world.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason,
music
Use synonyms
 has a crucial role in forming social and emotional skills among youngsters. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 most individuals find computers and
science
Use synonyms
 more useful than
music
Use synonyms
 these days, I strongly believe that it would be better to keep a balance in teaching both of them.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to directly address the question prompt in your introduction and conclusion. Your opinion should be explicitly stated to ensure full task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to smoothly connect ideas and paragraphs for even better coherence.
task achievement
Consider adding a short rebuttal or contrasting sentence to paragraphs discussing opposing views to strengthen your argument and demonstrate higher-level analytical skills.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: