IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, several processed foods include high amounts of carbohydrates.
Consequently
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, it can have many negative impacts on the human body. In my view, levelling up these
products
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 cannot solve these health obstacles. On the one hand, increasing the
price
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 of sugary ingredients will deprive employers and employees of making a profit from sugary
products
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.
In other words
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, too many individuals cooperate in the process of making sugary substances. If owners don’t sell them at a bargain
price
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, they may lose most of their customers.
Consequently
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, most of the producers and businessmen, businesswomen, farmers and so on will be deprived of
this
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 market.
For example
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, in some African countries
such
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 as Nigeria, their economy relies on sugar cane and its
products
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. The government has decided to raise the
price
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 of
products
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 including carbohydrates.
Finally
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, many
people
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 have lost their jobs and a widening gulf between rich and poor
people
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 has happened.
On the other hand
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, these kinds of
products
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 can bring some negative results on our health and some
people
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 think increasing their
price
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 can prevent
people
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 from consuming them. Because, by increasing their
price
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, consumers will be forced to purchase these
products
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 from overseas or maybe from some unreliable stalls.
As a consequence
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, fewer
people
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 will be faced with the negative side effects of sugary
products
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.
For instance
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, authorities in Cameroon, have decided to make sugary ingredients more expensive to decrease the amount of diabetes. But it didn’t have a positive effect on society. Since
people
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 have brought these
products
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 illegally from foreign countries. In conclusion, making these
products
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 expensive cannot prevent
people
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 from overusing them. In my opinion, the best solution is teaching
people
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 the culture of consumption of beneficial ingredients on TV and social media.
Moreover
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, authorities can constrain the amount of sugar in many foods. With
this
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 trick, sugar producers and many owners can make a profit from these
products
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your position on the topic. Your introduction should quickly and succinctly state whether you agree or disagree with making sugary products more expensive.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure your ideas are fully developed and directly address the prompt. It's important to not only state your opinion but also thoroughly explain why you hold that view, tying your reasons directly back to the question.
task achievement
Aim to clarify your argument in paragraphs by introducing one main idea at a time and developing it fully with detailed examples or evidence. This aids in achieving clearer, more comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the logical structure of your essay flows smoothly from one idea to the next. This can be achieved through careful planning before you start writing, allowing for a logical sequence of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Make use of linking words to show relationships between ideas and paragraphs. Words such as "however," "furthermore," and "for example" can help with the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
To reinforce main points, consider concluding your essay with a summary of your argument and a strong, clear conclusion that mirrors your introduction. Restate your stance in different words to reinforce your position to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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