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Writing Samples
Band 5

People’s lifestyles are becoming unhealthier in many countries. What can governments do to reverse this, and which of those actions is most likely to be successfully carried out by those governments?

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In recent years, the throwaway lifestyle has become one of the most serious
health
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 problems among
people
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 of all ages.
This
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 is caused by several reasons including processed food consumption and lack of physical activities. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons why
people
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 in many countries live in unhealthy ways and suggest some solutions for the government in order to solve
this
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 situation. There is an irrefutable fact that unhealthy lifestyles
happened
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happen
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due to
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 some main reasons, including overworking. The increasing amount of work has led modern
people
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 to numerous mental
health
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 problems
such
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 as exhaustion or burnout, and they tend to choose fast food for meals
instead
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 of home-cooked meals.
This
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 leads to long-term consequences as their diet contains a high proportion of fat and causes obesity.
Furthermore
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, lack of exercise is
also
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 another problem which could destroy our
health
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. A study of some students at the University of Education showed that not only
the
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apply
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adolescent
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adolescents
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 but
also
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 older
people
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 prefer staying at home and working with their
computer
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computers
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 to exercising, even though
having
Verb problem
being
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 seated in front of the screen too long without doing exercise causes several physical difficulties
such
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 as short-sightedness.
According to
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 those problems, I would like to suggest that the government should expand the citizens’ knowledge about things they could do to have a better lifestyle, and
also
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 pay attention to the effects which
throwaway
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a throwaway
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 lifestyle could
affect
Verb problem
have on
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 mental
health
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.
Moreover
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, governments should
also
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 adjust the working hours for all businesses in order to balance between the work and life of all the employees. Once governments
could
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can
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 balance the working time, there will be more chances for
people
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 to prepare
for
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apply
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their daily meals and do exercises regularly.
This
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 could be considered as the most important solution that governments should do immediately. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 many
people
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 are in disregard of their own way of living. Unhealthy lifestyles could be reduced if the government could popularize information about better ways of life and introduce new laws about working hours.

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task response
A more direct approach to answering the question will enhance the essay. Clarify how each suggested solution directly addresses issues of unhealthy lifestyles and make the connection between causes and solutions more explicit.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices and paragraphs structuring techniques to improve the flow of ideas. Ensure each paragraph clearly focuses on a single main idea with clear topic sentences.
task achievement
While the examples provided enhance the argument, integrating more specific statistical evidence or case studies could strengthen the support for your main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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